Imagine Venom, if you will. Got a picture of Tom Hardy pulling out every last stop to make sure you are enjoying a completely unhinged performance that distracts from the fact that the movie he’s in is objectively bad? Yeah? Ok, now this time imagine it’s Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage. The movie is objectively worse than the first, but Tom is still Tom and well, you’ll take any Tom you can get. Are you still picturing? Ok, great. Now picture Venom 2 without Tom but with Jared Leto in white contacts as a lab accident vampire instead. No thanks, right? Wrong! Somebody actually ordered this and the waiter told them it comes with a side of Tyrese Gibson and it’s not going to be ready until January of 2022. And you can’t get it to go either, you have to sit there exclusively in theaters and eat your Morbius while it’s hot. Readers, they looked that waiter dead in the eye and said, “I’ll have two.”
According to Deadline, the only backstory we need to know is that “Jared Leto’s Dr. Michael Morbius, suffering from a rare blood disorder, undergoes his own experimental treatment only to find an inner darkness unleashed.” Not how Tyrese got his foot in the MCU door (honestly, good for him!) and not why Jared continues to Depp-it-up under 20 pounds of makeup in every movie he does of late. Not to mention the most important bit of missing mythology here — Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys did it first, and better. Here’s the trailer:
Waiter, there’s a bat in my soup! And he’s pretending to be Tom Hardy but he doesn’t have the range. Zero stars. That Venom joke at the end is another part of the backstory Deadline says I don’t need to know. But apparently, Morbius is chock-full of Marvel Easter eggs, which are kind of like Cadbury Cream Eggs but much messier and more confusing.
The new Morbius trailer references Venom, we see Michael Keaton’s Vulture, Tobey’s Spider-Man painted on a wall and the Oscorp logo is from the TASM universe.
WHAT IS GOING ON?!! pic.twitter.com/7ozds6OEhg
— Matt Ramos (@therealsupes) November 2, 2021
That’s still going to be a NO-sferatu for me, dog. The only way I’ll watch this is if some other poor sap on the internet doesn’t count the percentage of screentime in which Tyrese has a toothpick in his mouth. I’ll do it myself if I have to, but as I said, I did not order this. Send it back to the kitchen and bring me another serving of that delicious Tom Hardy banana cream pie.