This Is Why “#CocaineConvention” Is Trending

August 25, 2020 / Posted by:

If you’ve ever doubted Donald Trump Jr.’s patriotism, look no further than last night’s virtual RNC for proof that he’s got AMERICA coursing through his veins. South America to be specific, possibly courtesy of Columbia’s most notorious export. With an assist from an utterly unhinged performance by his girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle, Don Jr.’s moist and glassy-eyed appearance at last night’s RNC prompted the hashtags #CocaineConvention, #CokeEyes, #CocaineDon and sundry other references to cocaine to trend. So yeah, maybe Don Jr. did a few rails before taking the stage— RAILS OF FREEDOM!

Naturally, Twitter snorted that shit up like the feckless eldest son of a powerful narcissist desperate for his father’s approval allegedly snorts cocaine. Here’s just a taste, a little American Exceptionalism rubbed across the gums if you will, of what Jr. was on about.

I think it’s unfair to accuse Don Jr. of being coked out of his mind. Maybe his eyes are disturbed because he’s recovering from COVID-19. Don’t forget, Kimberly tested positive last month right before the US Air Force Band’s ska concert at Mt. Rushmore. Who needs drugs when you’re already flying high on the fumes of our smoldering democracy! Here’s Jr. pregaming backstage, double fisting nothing more potent than Lady Liberty and Lady Liberty Sugar-Free.

See, if he really had a drug problem he would have grabbed the purse and checked inside it for more cocaine. Besides, there’s nothing in Jr’s cold dead eyes that can compare to the truly chaotic energy Kimberly brought to the stage. She was given the note that it was a little shouty.

In addition to unironically inspiring comments like “Yaaas queen!” and “Slay!” from her fans, Kimberly also inspired the hashtag #Guilfoylechallenge. If Helen of Troy had a face to launch a 1000 ships, Kimberly’s (current) face has launched a 1000 memes.

Poor Don Jr. got outperformed by a trained seal. AND HARPO! And this was only day one of the RNC. I think you know already where I’m going with this.

Pic: Instagram

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