Donald Trump, Jr.’s Girlfriend And Trump Campaign Official, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Has Tested Positive For COVID-19

July 4, 2020 / Posted by:

I know I know, you’re thinking “how could a family who once dismissed COVID-19 as not a thing, and then had to take it back because it’s such a fucking stupid thing to think let alone say aloud, and are still, four months in, trying to downplay its seriousness…how are so many people in and around that family still catching it?” Or maybe, like me, you’re trying not to think about them at all, despite seeing their faces every single day in the news.

Well, it’s worth noting that somebody in that family, a person named Kimberly Guilfoyle, who is an adviser to Trump’s re-election campaign and is actually proud to admit to being dating Donald Trump, Jr., has tested positive for COVID-19. Kimberly joins a growing number of people in Trump’s inner circle to have contracted the virus AND STILL, nobody in his administration, including the giant turd himself, has made an effort to stop the spread by just staying indoors and NOT hosting barely-attended, self-congratulatory MAGA rallies.

According to People Magazine, Kimberly, who tested positive yesterday just before Trump’s fuckery-themed Fourth of July speech at Mount Rushmore, is currently asymptomatic and feeling fine (she’d have to be…she’s also apparently got a cast-iron stomach to be able to climb on top of Don Jr. every night). And about Trump’s Fourth of July mess, here are two clips from the event that sum it up: 

Meanwhile, Don Jr. himself is isolating on his own as a precaution, but you can tell he’s going to make a break for it any day now––any adult male Trump family member has to go on camera and spew foolery at least once a week or the spell turns them back into sewer rats.

As a result of catching the, I’m guessing no longer a hoax? virus, Kimberly, who used to work at Fox News, also had to cancel all of her planned public events––which I’m assuming included clubbing baby seals and burning down an orphanage. Join me in wishing Kimberly a speedy recovery well-deserved 14 days out of the spotlight. And nothing else. In a related note: Aubrey O’Day is currently Googling cheap flights to Washington, D.C.


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