Cher Wants To Volunteer At The Post Office

August 19, 2020 / Posted by:

You won’t find a greater patriot than Cher. And even though our greatest living American can’t type for shit, Cher has managed to make ALL CAPS and Emojis her shield and sword in the fight for America’s very soul. And in case you have mistaken Cher for some garden variety keyboard warrior, let me disembarrass you of that shameful notion. Cher would literally put herself in harm’s way to ensure your vote will be counted in the upcoming presidential election. Yes, THEE Cher tweeted that she wants to strut her fine ass down to her local post office to volunteer. And no, Cher is “NO,KIDDING.” She’s already made a few calls.

It’s no secret that Cher hates Donald Trump with the fire of a thousand suns (fun fact: Earth’s sun produces approximately 1/4 the star power generated by Cher. In the 90s alone!).  Earlier today she tweeted that one of the reasons Donald hates Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is because he had him cut out of the Canadian release of Home Alone 2. A citation would normally be needed here but it’s Cher and Cher has never told a lie, intentionally or otherwise, in her entire life which is 74 Earth years and a celestial millennia (citation needed). And so Cher is rightly outraged by Trump’s blatant attempts to undermine the functioning of the United States Postal Service in order to get reelected. Presumably, in order to help right that wrong, Cher, savior of American democracy and Billboard Icon Award winner, started with a public inquiry.

Apparently, nobody took her seriously so Cher made it known she’s not fucking around.

Unfortunately, you can’t rely on Twitter to give you a straight answer, even if you’re Cher (don’t even think about it, being Cher is only an option for Cher. Believe me, I’ve checked). So Cher took matters into her own hands, probably with the use of a rhinestoned Nokia flip phone which is what I imagine Cher uses for business calls.

Imagine telling CHER she needs to get fingerprinted as if extraterrestrial angels even have fingerprints. Now slap yourself in the face, you should never have imagined that! Cher’s finger pads are as smooth as a newborn baby’s ass and leave silvery mylar indentations on everything she touches. Look, I know it was a crazy idea with little chance of success but at least she tried. The platypus was also a crazy idea with little chance of success but Cher made it work when she created life on Earth and now they’re out here living their best lives with a venomous spur on their hindfoot. Like I said, Cher does not fuck around!


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