Tom Hanks’ Blood Could Save Us All

April 27, 2020 / Posted by:

Tom Hanks. Two time Oscar winner. Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient. The fifth-highest-grossing actor in American history. Good guy to children named Corona. And now… coronavirus curer? Well, his legendary blood, at least.

On a recent NPR podcast, Tom discussed he and wife Rita Wilson’s coronavirus experience and mentioned that they’d been approached about donating their blood.

Tom explained (via Business Insider):

“A lot of the questions [are] what do we do now? Is there something we can do? And, in fact, we just found out that we do carry the antibodies,” he said. “We have not only been approached; we have said, do you want our blood? Can we give plasma? And, in fact, we will be giving it now to the places that hope to work on what I would like to call the Hank-ccine.”

“Hank-ccine.” Love it. It’s hot, sexy, Hollywood, it’s 2020 in one word. Now, excuse me while I google “what is plasma” and “what are antibodies? simple definition for kids”

Aaand I’m back. So, in case you didn’t know (idiot!), plasma is the largest part of your blood and takes good shit like antibodies to the parts of your body that need it. Since you’re a fool, you also probably don’t know what antibodies are. Well, you stupid dummy, antibodies attack bad cells, bacteria, or viruses. They’re Y-shaped, as in “Y does this DListed writer in her thirties not know shit about basic medical science despite being a candy striper for 2 years in high school?”

So Tom and Rita’s blood carries the antibodies that kill the coronavirus, which is why they’ve both recovered since being diagnosed in Australia in early March.

Hanks said that he and his wife are “just fine, dandy.” They suffered from flu-like symptoms and isolated themselves so that they would not spread it.

“My wife, Rita, was a little worse off than me. She had a very high temperature,” he added.

Stay tuned for the “CORONAVIRUS: SEXIST?!” headlines.

But seriously, quick, someone test Chet Haze’s blood for the same Hanks-Wilson healing powers! He’s gotta be good for something other than butchering Jamaican Patois, right?


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