Lindsay Lohan is busy. Not like, Lindsay-Lohan-in-2005-level busy, but busy nonetheless. In between her gigs as a nightclub host, an amateur child catcher and a panelist on Masked Singer Australia, Lindsay somehow managed to channel that expansive range and work her way back to where she belongs: in front of the movie cameras.
Now typically, when news about Lindsay Lohan breaks, I’m not inclined to believe any of it until Michael Lohan, adjunct mouthpiece/publicist and father of the millennium, confirms it. So in the meantime, I will continue to perch at the edge of my seat until the 2021 Oscar nominations are announced and Lindsay is given her long-overdue nod for a Best Actress trophy.
According to the Hollywood Reporter, Lindsay is in the final rounds of negotiations to star in her next big feature––and it sounds like an absolute doozy.
The new feature film, currently titled Cursed (HA!), which is also set to star Mickey Rourke (I know, you can’t make this up), will be a supernatural thriller directed by Steven R. Monroe who directed the 2010 remake of the cult horror classic, I Spit on Your Grave. This is ironic since Lindsay has been starring in her own, lesser-known version of the remake of I Spit on Your Career for the past fifteen years.
Apparently, Mickey will play a famous psychiatrist who has to team up with Lindsay’s character, a police detective, in order to stop a crazed psychiatric patient from killing five people held hostage in a remote house by making them watch Liz & Dick on repeat, eyes propped open Clockwork Orange style.
If you’ve stopped reading, and are now trying to comprehend the idea of an attempted child abductor like Lindsay playing a police detective, I totally understand. Although, maybe Lindsay’s been low-key preparing for this role all of her adult life? She has been handcuffed and done more perp walks than just about anybody in the biz.
Besides, Angel Oak Films, the LA/Brussels-based film company co-producing Cursed, is already looking to sell the film at the European Film Market. You know, in Europe? Where they REALLY TRULY appreciate film? So get ready to see Lindsay and Mickey, wearing matching Moschino pantsuits, promoting the shit out of this future Best Picture winner at every art-house cinema festival this time next year.