Princess Eugenie’s Official Wedding Portraits Are Here

October 14, 2018 / Posted by:

Pricess Eugenie (AKA “Princess Who?-genie” to non-royal watchers) got married to her commoner/kissing cousin Jack Brooksbank two days ago. Unlike us normal folk who have a shorter wait at the DMV than the time it takes for us to get our wedding photo contact sheets back, the latest Royal Family wedding portraits have already been released. Eugenie may only be 9th in line to the throne, but nevertheless, her photos arrived lightening speed and here they are for our inspection, so get out your magnifying glasses and let’s get to inspecting!

The photos were taken by Alex Bramall. On first sight the photos look like every other official royal wedding photo to me. Did you hear that story of the grandma who replaced her ex’s face with a photo of Leonardo DiCaprio in their Sear’s Portrait? That’s kind of how I feel about these official Royal Wedding portraits- you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ’em all. But this is where the magnifying glass comes in handy.

Savannah Phillips, young cousin of the Bride, is stepping on Eugenie’s train with a sweet smile. This is the same little spitfire who put her hand over Prince George‘s mouth on the balcony and later pushed him down a hill. I’d say Savannah is THE royal spunk to watch, and if I was abducted and water boarded into having to name a favorite royal, she’d probably be it. I expect big things from her in the future.

Another takeaway from the portrait is the dashing young man in blue velvet pants and floral cumberband who is stealing the show on the right side. Who is this young bridal attendant giving serious FACE and working that pose 10 years too early to be shooting his first album cover with a fag hanging out of the corner of his mouth? Of course, it had to be a Givenchy – Louis De Givenchy, grandson of founder Hubert.

Two things I learned while undergoing a complete forensic investigation on this Royal Family Wedding portrait. Apparently Robbie Williams is BFF with either Eugenie or Jack, because not only did he sing at the reception, his daughter Theodora Williams was the bridesmaid with pride of place in front of the groom in the official portrait. Theodora also gets major points for asking The Mother of the Bride, Duchess Fergie if she was the Queen. Sigh, if only!

The Zac Posen dress below that Eugenie changed into for the reception is giving me a cross between what I hope Queen Hippolyta will be wearing in Wonder Woman 2: Electric Boogaloo and the skin suit that the plastination Skin Man is holding as part of Bodies: The Exhibition. In other words, the dress is perfect mix of Amazon glamour and Buffalo Bill’s 1991 skin couture line.

Here are more photos from the wedding, including the five tier cake, because… five tired cake! And the obligatory coach and horses Cinderella shot that highlights Eugenie’s borrowed 1912 crown.

Pics: Alex Bramall/Royal Communications/

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