The NYPD Is Investigating Mario Batali For Sexual Assault 

May 21, 2018 / Posted by:

I’ve always said that you can never trust a grown bitch who wears the devil’s hooves known as CROCS out in public. And look at what we have here.

Last year, the slimy brother of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons stepped away from his show The Chew and his restaurants after several women accused him of not being able to keep his greasy paws to himself. Some of those allegations (and more) found their way to the NYPD and now an investigation has started. Um, Mario Batali should’ve been eating cardboard and toilet sauce pizza on Death Row years ago for murdering retinas with those hideous CROCS, but better late than never I guess…

60 Minutes did a story on Mario Batali last night, and said that the NYPD is investigating claims from at least 11 women. Many of the women say that Mario touched them in a wrong way while they worked at one of his restaurants, and they also say that they witnessed him sexually assault a woman who was either unconscious or semi-unconscious at his restaurant The Spotted Pig in Manhattan. That woman didn’t want to talk on camera with 60 Minutes.

One woman who did agree to speak on camera (although she talked in the dark to protect her identity) said that while working at The Spotted Pig in 2006, she believes that the biggest Spotted Pig of them all drugged her and assaulted her. She says she woke up with semen on her leg. Now, the natural reaction to waking up with Mario Batali’s semen on your leg is to cut off your leg immediately, but instead of doing that, the woman went to speak to detectives in the NYPD’s special victims unit and she also had a rape kit done. She ultimately decided not to file a police report because she didn’t want to go up against an all-powerful throbbing goiter who oozes out money. via HuffPo

“They tried getting me to file a report. They tried, they tried. But I ― you know, a young actress, no resources, no money ― I couldn’t. I― I couldn’t do it.”

Jezebel says that in the 60 Minutes report, other employees accused Spotted Pig co-owner Ken Friedman of not only enabling Mario Batali and pfft-ing away any sexual harassment allegations, but also being a sexual assaulting dried glob of pimple pus himself.

Ken Friedman denies the accusations, and Mario Batali denies the accusation from the woman who believes she was drugged and raped. But when the accusations against him first came out last year, he apologized for being “inappropriate.”

A rep for B&B Hospitality Group claimed in a statement that the accusations in the 60 Minutes report were new to them and that they’re deeply disturbed. They say they’re trying to buy out Goopy Paltrow’s traveling partner.

The accounts tonight were chilling and deeply disturbing. This was the first we learned of them. Our partnership with Mr. Batali is ending. We have been actively negotiating with Mr. Batali to buy his interests in the restaurants, and he and Joe Bastianich have signed a letter of intent that sets forth the broad terms to do so. We expect to have the final terms set by July 1, and that Nancy Silverton, Lidia Bastianich, Mr. Bastianich, and other current investors will participate in the acquisition.

“This was the first we learned of them” is probably the cause of eyeballs rolling out of the heads of at least a dozen ex-Spotted Pig employees. If charges against Mario are actually filed and it goes to trial ending with a conviction, then I’d like to let whoever is in charge of sentencing know that it’s perfectly legal and reasonable for them to add 600 years to his sentence for attacking eyeballs with CROCS (and another 400 years for using pizza dough to make cinnamon rolls).


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