Gimme, Gimme, Gimme ABBA’s New Songs!

April 27, 2018 / Posted by:

It looks like 2018 isn’t turning out to be the complete flaming anal fissure that 2017 was. A jury said “Bye Bitch!” to Bill Cosby, North and South Korea vowed to stop warring, the Golden State Killer was possibly caught, Ryan Murphy made the best decision of his career by casting Joan Collins in the next AHS, the IRS discovered a glitch in my 2016 tax returns and sent me a $16 check, and now we’re learning that ABBA is going to cause ears to jizz out glitter by releasing new music. I’m going to pray that Alexander Skarsgard pops up on my Grindr tonight and messages me with, “Looking?” It can happen! Because if ABBA got back together, anything is possible!

ABBA (made up of Agnetha Fältskog, Benny Andersson, Björn Ulvaeus, and Anni-Frid Lyngstad) once turned down $1 billion to reunite for a huge world tour, so them getting back together could be the final sign of the apocalypse. Deadline says that over 35 years after they broke up in 1982, ABBA reunited to record two new songs, one of which is called I Still Have Faith In You. The songs will debut in December for a TV special that will air on NBC in the U.S. and on the BBC in the UK. Sadly, ABBA isn’t going to slip into crotch-hugging satin jumpsuits to perform the new songs. Their avatars (ABBAtars, if you will) are going to do that. They posted this statement on Instagram:

ABBA really doesn’t need the money, so they’re probably gifting the world with new music, because they know we’ve all swished our b-hole to Dancing Queen a million times at weddings, so they’re giving us new songs to swish our b-holes to. Saints! But this isn’t totally great news, because now that ABBA has new songs coming out, that means there could be another Mamma Mia movie and Pierce Brosnan will slaughter those new songs by walrus-warbling them out.

Speaking of the Mamma Mia sequel nobody asked for, here’s Cher causing the gay angels to prolapse by singing Fernando at CinemaCon in Las Vegas this week.


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