Ryan Murphy Has Somehow Managed To Nab The Biggest Star In The World For The Next “American Horror Story” 

April 4, 2018 / Posted by:

Alternate title: Dame Joan Collins To Save “American Horror Story”!!

The following so-called famous people have been in past seasons of American Horror Story: Jessica Lange, Connie Britton, Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, Joseph Fiennes, Sarah Paulson, Matt Bomer, Lady Gaga, James Cromwell, Cuba Gooding Jr., Frances Conroy, Emma Roberts, and Michael Chiklis. But AHS could never say that it was filled with blinding star power until now.

The Hollywood Reporter did a big profile on Ryan Murphy’s $300 million Netflix deal, and he dropped a few little nuggets. He’s thinking of doing a Barbra Streisand/Lady Gaga variety show (no, thank you), he’s contemplating a wellness show (another “no thanks” to GOOP TV), says that American Crime Story: Katrina is still in the works, and that an ACS season of the Monica Lewinsky/Clinton scandal has been canceled. (Ryan doesn’t think it’s his place to tell Monica’s story, and will only do it if she’s a producer and will get money out of it.) Buried in Ryan’s THR profile is a stage 10 bombshell: Dame Joan Collins is going to be in the next season of American Horror Story. THR probably buried the lede, because if they put it in the headline, their site would’ve crashed.

Ryan Murphy didn’t say much about Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan being in the 8th season of AHS. He only said that they’re “throwing in Joan Collins” and also talking to Angelica Huston. Never mind that Ryan was being so casually gauche with that “throwing in Joan Collins” shit (you don’t throw Joan Collins, she throws you), her rep tells The Wrap that they’re only in talks and nothing is final yet.

“The fact of the matter is right now they are still in negotiations and I don’t know what more I could say to that.”

My guess is that Ryan is being cheap by only giving up 95% of his Netflix money for Dame Joan to appear on AHS when she clearly deserves 100%!

The 8th season of AHS is rumored to be called American Horror Story: Radioactive. It’s also rumored that it will take place in 2032 Arizona after a nuclear blast. Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, and Kathy Bates will be the leads. But I have a better idea that is a billion times more horrifying. Scrap the idea of setting the season in the future, and fire Sarah, Evan and Kathy.

All Ryan needs to do is sit Dame Joan Collins in front of a TV and film her watching in blood-curdling horror as The CW slowly and viciously butchers the opulent and elegant power bitch image of Alexis Carrington. Last week, Nicollette Sheridan made her debut as Not-My-Alexis on The CW’s blasphemous reboot of Dynasty (which will terrorize us for a second season) and it was a really horrific spectacle.

Exhibit A: Not-My-Alexis looking like Mattel’s rejected prototype for Laugh-In Barbie.

Exhibit B: Not-My-Alexis looking like Reno, NV’s least popular 90s hooker (or Reno, NV’s least popular Nomi Malone impersonator).

Exhibit C: Not-My-Alexis looking like a bougie Costa Mesa trophy wife who was turned down by Bravo for Real Housewives of Orange County for being too tacky.

Exhibit D: Not-My-Alexis being flat broke and living in a rundown trailer! This is historically inaccurate. It is impossible for Alexis Carrington to be flat broke for even one second. If her checking account ever dipped into flat broke territory (aka below the 8-figure mark), she’d immediately fix that by becoming majority shareholder in her rival’s company or by marrying another billionaire.

Actually, my idea doesn’t work. American Horror Story: Dame Joan Collins Watching The CW’s Dynasty Reboot would be way too terrifying, sad and disturbing for FX to air.

Here’s the future savior of FX gracing Craig’s in West Hollywood with her glamour last night:

Pics: Wenn.com, The CW

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