I really should’ve saved this story for Monday, because “Heather Locklear drove her car into a ditch” is everyone’s Monday morning metaphor.
TMZ says that primetime soap opera treasure Heather Locklear suffered minor injuries and had to be fixed up in the hospital after she crashed her Porsche into a ditch in Thousand Oaks, CA yesterday at around 5:30pm. When I first read this headline last night, I figured that one of four things happened.
- Heather’s GPS has shit taste and is an Alison Parker fan, so it did Amanda Woodward wrong by directing her to drive into a ditch.
- One of Taylor Swift’s new songs started playing on the radio and Heather did what any reasonable person would do when that happens: she drove her car into a ditch to stop the ear-burning torture.
- Heather saw her ex Scott Baio in that ditch (he was looking for his career) and decided to say hi.
- Heather was wasted.
Police sources tell TMZ that it’s not the last one. Heather was arrested for DUI in 2008 and she was hospitalized in 2012 after mixing booze and pills. But TMZ says that the police believe that Heather wasn’t under the influence of booze or pills when she accidentally drove her Porsche into a ditch on Thursday. Because it was a single car crash and nobody else got hurt, the police aren’t going to pull Heather’s cell phone records to see if she was distracted. She won’t face any charges and the case is now closed.
Heather is already out of the hospital. She posted a random picture of wilting roses and a note on Instagram today.
The real reason that the cops don’t have to pull Heather’s phone records is probably because they already know that she was texting and driving. Heather was probably bitching out the creators of that blasphemous Dynasty reboot in a series of text messages and accidentally drove into that ditch, which is where the Dynasty reboot’s ratings will end up for not having Heather and Dame Joan Collins in it!