A Decade Of Rash, I Mean, Kardashian

August 17, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s hard to believe, but it’s been a solid ten years since our screens weren’t dominated by nasal-voiced broads hawking lip plumper and eyelash extensions. The Hollywood Reporter is out with a biblical-length profile titled “The Kardashian Decade” entailing all the behind the scenes dish on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. The serious cover, nude-colored wardrobes and the fact that the whole thing blurts “KIM IS MAKE-UP FREE! ALERT THE TOWN CRIER” in the first three sentences are supposed to make us think this is Raw! Unscripted! Real! Kar! Dash!

The fact that it looks like Kris Jenner’s head was photoshopped onto her body makes us realize this is business as usual.

The interview is one giant handjob on the family’s boner at fawning press coverage. Social media? F you, Mark Zuckerberg! You can thank Kim Kardashian & Co. for that one! Reality television? The Real World? More like The Zzzzzzzzzz World. There was no reality ‘til Kardashian reality! Positive female body image? Go home, Ashley Graham! It’s happening all because of Kim and Khloe Kardashian! Nobody else! (“Yeah, and can that stop? I haven’t been on the cover of Vogue in years!” – Keira Knightley)

The whole interview was part interesting/part-white washing history. Kim, who for some reason the reporter needed to note was sipping Pedialyte (without adding “#ad” FCC! Illegal happenings!), and the rest of the lady Kardashian/Jenner clan (minus Caitlyn Jenner, who didn’t want to participate) gathered ‘round ahead of a September special about their decade of being responsible for the drop in America’s average IQ.

The story doesn’t mince words about how ratings are down (from 10.5 million when Kim married Kris Humphries to 2.1 million each week these day), but it also implies these witches are here for the longhaul… as in, Season 32. Speaking of haul, E! execs apparently don’t make much off the gals beyond ad dollars, since Pimp Mama Kris is the mistress of hustle. Ex-CEO of E! Ted Harbert talked about trying to get a percentage of whatever they made after the show began:

“At the beginning, I tried very hard to get a piece [of the earnings] because the policy was, if you become famous on our backs and get other businesses, we get a piece. Kris, given her great negotiating abilities, said, ‘We were already kind of famous.’ I remember those stare-downs, but I lost that fight.”

HAHAHA! Already kind of famous?! For what? A Ray-J boning and promotional breakfasts with then-Bruce Jenner at the Reno Airport Holiday Inn?! Ted, girl, you got fleeced! Maybe you can buy yourself a consolation breakfast at Cracker Barrel with the $70 you got from tanning lotion royalties off the Sunset Tan cast.

Speaking of Kris’s power, Kim says her momager took her aside the night before that ill-fated wedding with Kris Humphries and said, “When you walk down the aisle tomorrow, glance slightly down for a better camera angle.” Nah, she actually claims she told her she didn’t have to go through with it and should just let her handle it like Calabasas Tony Soprano she is:

“The night before, my mom pulled me aside, off camera, and was like, ‘This isn’t for you. Why don’t you go away and I’ll handle it?” I felt like, if I pulled out now, everyone’s going to think I just did it for the show.”

Kim, maybe you didn’t follow your mother’s gestures that night. She clearly was pointing at whatever Flat Tummy Tea you were going to take/promote/Tweet the night before walking down the aisle and said strawberry wasn’t for you. Go away, and come back in an hour. She would have a lime ready and waiting.

Khloe even got on board the “I didn’t wanna do it!” choo choo by claiming her Khloe & Lamar spinoff was all because of him and not because her mom showed her the first check she wanted to be on camera.

“I never wanted to do Khloe & Lamar. My ex-husband did. He sold it to E!, and I let it happen because I wanted him to be happy. I was the one who cancelled it. It was way too much.”

Suuuuure, Khlo. Maybe Kris in Lamar cosplay sold it. The only thing that was too much was the tension you put on your vocal chords going into high baby-voice octaves each time he walked into the room. The whole interview drums up how REAL it is and how Ryan Seacrest kind of had to fight for it to make it on the airwaves since, well, back in 2007, executives didn’t want to give shows to those best known for sex tapes. (“Bullshit,” said Paris Hilton) Speaking of Paris, the best part of the whole damn story is when the execs basically laud Kim for recognizing the fame goes away the moment the TV show gets pulled, which I guess is why there will still be new episodes airing in the year 3000. The exec added, “God bless her, Paris Hilton is a fantastic DJ in Ibiza.” HAHAHA! No she isn’t, but at least the Kardashians know to expect to get a request for a few signed copies of this story from Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Kelly Osbourne… basically anyone who frequented Les Deux more than three times from 2006-2009.

Pic: Miller Mobley/The Hollywood Reporter

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