Taylor Swift’s “Strange Personality” Is Scaring Away Potential Boyfriends

March 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Could it be true? Is America’s sunflower Taylor Swift really sitting at home every Friday night, nervously pacing back and forth in front of her pink princess phone, desperately waiting for a boy to call, BUT NO ONE IS CALLING?? How can this be? Are the halcyon days of Zoo dates and ice creams and beach blanket bingo officially over? SAY IT ISN’T SO!

Well, according to Radar, it is so and Taylor can forget about going steady and getting pinned, because a source is saying that her personality is turning guys off from even taking her out for a chocolate malt. Oooh, the source is that back-stabbing cat of hers, I just know it.

“Taylor’s advisers are tired of setting her up on dates only to have her strange personality scare men away. Taylor is almost impossible to find dates for because of the nature of her music, which focuses heavily on heartbreak and ex-boyfriends. None of the guys she shows interest in want to be the subject of a mean song six months down the road or be painted the bad guy, so Taylor’s team want her to take a break from boys.”

Oh no! What’s a peppermint marshmallow princess to do!? Taytay Butterscotch Sundae needs to find her prince charming before the stroke of midnight on the eve of her 25th birthday, otherwise she’ll turn into a ghoulish spinster-hag who’s only friends are her collection of creepy, one-eyed dolls. Surely there’s someone out there who shares similar interests with her. Honestly how hard is it to find a boy who also love kittens, sparkles, getting overly attached after the first date, collecting Lip Smackers, buying the house next door to your grandmother, baking gingerbread, picking out names for your future children – oh fuck, she’s doomed.

And I guess things didn’t work out with Lorde and Karlie Kloss either, because here’s the saddest girl in junior high shopping at Lord & Taylor aaaaall by herselllllllf: 

Pic: Splash

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