Why Did Robert Pattinson Forgive Kristen Stewart For Cheating On His Ass?

September 28, 2012 / Posted by:

Short answer: Kristen Stewart’s pussy has always been a Ruprick Sanders-free zone.

Most of us were sitting here thinking that RPattz is back with KStew, because the head bitches at Summit Entertainment told him to get back with her for the last Twatlight publicity tour or they’d make sure the only job he’d ever be able to get is head host at a Twilight-themed family restaurant in Forks, Washington. But the truth according to Radar (which is sort of like saying the truth according to your gossiping auntie) is that KStew told RPattz that the only thing Rupert Sanders stuck in her was his tongue and that her down low vampire trap forever belongs to Edward Cullen. Some source who is totally not Kristen Stewart’s publicist put it like this to Radar:

“Kristen and Rupert both told their respective partners that they didn’t actually have sex. Kristen was absolutely steadfast that she only engaged in several make-out sessions with Rupert but never slept with him. Rob didn’t believe her in the beginning but as time wore on he accepted her explanation. Kristen has given Rob passwords to her voicemail and e-mail account to prove she has nothing to hide and will do anything to get his trust back.”

Now I’m totally convinced this was nothing but a choreographed stunt. Who in the hell sneaks around just to make out with a dude? Like I’d really go on some covert operation just to suck on a tongue? Making out with a human is almost like licking on strips of raw bacon, so if I wanted to get into that I’d just pull a pack of Oscar Mayer out of the fridge. This dumb fuck didn’t even get some peen. If I was RPattz, I’d dump her dim ass for betraying me for some stupid tongue. If you’re going to fuck me over at least fuck me over by getting fucked over if you know what I mean.

But don’t listen to me. Because when one of my past boyfriends told me he cheated on my ass, my only questions were, “Okay, but how big was the peen and do you have pictures?

Here’s KStew going to a restaurant in Paris called La Fidelite (“Faithful” in English). She makes it so easy.

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