Ben Affleck Is No Longer The Lone Dude In The House

Somewhere in L.A., a newborn baby boy is looking up at Ben Affleck’s grizzly man ass face and wondering why his father is the unabomber sketch. That is a face that’ll make you wanna call America’s Most Wanted.

People is hearing from a source that 6-year-old Violet and 3-year-old Seraphina are big sisters to a brother with an unknown name who was born in Santa Monica, CA. Jennifer Garner said a while ago that Ben is cool with a boy or a girl, but you know his ass was just putting on a front, because he’s the kind of dude who’s been keeping a collection of Red Sox onesies for the son he’s always wanted. So Ben’s finally got the son of his dreams! Unless….his son ends up like me and would rather dye his She-Ra doll’s hair red with food coloring than even glance at a baseball for five seconds.

I’m going to temporarily ignore the winks coming from all those “cheating A-list actor staying with his actress wife for the sake of their unborn child” blind items to talk about the name. We don’t know the name yet, but if they’re going to keep with the flower or bible theme, I’m guessing they’ll go with Dandelion Affleck or Hosanna Affleck. They’ll probably name him Matt Damon Affleck, but part of me hopes they’ll name him Farnsworth Umbrella Blake. You know, so he can go by F.U. Blake for short.

Lindsay Lohan Is Serious About Staying Sober This Time

Lindsay Lohan shot an interview with Matt Lauer for Today this morning (it airs Thursday) to promote her SNL shit this weekend, her ruining of Elizabeth Taylor’s image and her devotion to delusion, because she mouth farted out the same shit she said last year. Last year, LiLo told Matt that she was completely keeping her nostrils clean of the bad shit and was on her way to giving mouth-to-mouth to her ravaged carcass of a career. We all know how that turned out. This time, LiLo told Matt that she was totally talking out of her crack hole last year and she now knows she has to prove herself by not acting like a crack bag of fuck ups. As you mutter to yourself “actions fart louder than words” over again, read what LiLo had to say this time:

On if she was high on denial during her last interview: “Definitely and I think it was — it’s a scary thing to have to kind of express to people … I wasn’t as comfortable with myself then. I think it was a fear factor that I had about what was really going on. And, you know, I had to get that wakeup call.”

On her party monster ways: “That’s not my thing anymore. I went out, actually, a few months ago with a friend. And I was so uncomfortable. Not because I felt tempted, just because it was just the same thing that it always was before. And it just wasn’t fun for me. I’ve become more of a homebody. And I like that.”

On if whether or not the industry is at a point where they can trust her to show up on time and do the job: “I think that that’s gonna take — I think that takes time. And I think that it’s actions. Because people can say things all they want, but I think I still need to go through the process of proving myself, you know, with ‘SNL,’ being on time, being, you know, keeping my — can’t say the word — but stuff together.”

On how the dirt in Elizabeth Taylor’s grave will get a good mulching from all the rolling: “We’re in the middle of casting and figuring — we start production soon. I’ve been doing tons of research. But I’ve always kind of researched her. She’s always been a fascinating woman to me. So I’m really honored. And I will not let anyone down, especially myself.”

On how she hopes SNL will show directors and producers that they don’t have to be afraid of investing in her ass anymore: “I don’t want people to have that reason to be scared anymore. So being able to have this opportunity with ‘SNL’ and the film, I’m gonna do what I’m supposed to do, and enjoy doing it, and do it as best as I can.”

Yes, LiLo is the epitome of a homebody and she’s always sipping chamomile tea on her loveseat while watching G-rated Hallmark Hall of Fame movies in her footie pajamas. Just like she did this past weekend, and last week, and a couple of weeks before that. But then again, the bar is her home, so it’s not like she’s lying.

LiLo’s whole “I’M A CHANGED CRACKIE” shit reminds me of the story I told on Twitter this past weekend. I was at a bar that was cash only and all I had was $5 on me. So I had to run to the ATM to get booze money and on my way back I run into this nearly toothless dude who could’ve been homeless. I was already vulnerable, because I was only 3/4th drunk and needed my drank bad. I kind of nodded as he told me that he’s a recovering (unintelligible) and that he needs money to get back to his family in (unintelligible). My smallest bill was the $5, so I handed it to him. He said, “I only asked you for a $1 and you gave me $5.” He sort of stared at me blankly for a second and I expected him to throw a thanks at me or maybe hug me. I don’t know. I just knew I had a delicious cup of the sweet nectar waiting for me and wanted to get out of there. That’s when this ho knocked me in the face with some audacity and said, “You know what would really make this $5 better? Another $5.” That bold bitch motherfucker. Who the hell says that shit? I should’ve snatched that $5 back and then told @lindsaylohan to come and get her relative on the corner of 22nd and 8th.

Here’s LiLo in NYC last night looking like a greasy weave ball caught in a shower drain. Come to think of it, that homeless dude was carrying an orange Birkin bag…

Natalie Portman Is Married, So Says Her Jeweler

Natalie Portman and the pirouetting father of her Ivy League graduate baby (yeah, he already graduated) Benjamin Millepied silently announced that their asses are married when they wore their wedding bands to the Oscars on Sunday. Maybe their silent announcement was an homage to The Artist? Or something. Natalie would rather eat raw meat out of a leather wallet (no euphemism, she’s veganese) than talk about her personal life, so there’s probably not a chance in hell she’s going to confirm this. But who needs Natalie to confirm this when her jewelry designer will do it for her. Jooree designer Jamie Wolf tells People Magazine that those rings are of the marriage kind and she made them for Natalie and her huzzzzzbeeeeeend.

Jamie Wolf confirmed today that she designed Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied’s “wedding rings,” she shares in a release.

Wolf created two diamond rings for Portman, made to fit on either side of her engagement ring, and a platinum band for Millepied. Both baubles are eco-friendly, made with recycled metals and conflict-free diamonds.

This marriage is going to last about as long as it takes me to do a full plié without farting (that could take a while, actually), so it was kind of smart of Natalie to not officially announce that she’s somebody’s wife. Because if she didn’t announce the marriage, she doesn’t have to announce the divorce in a year. Well, silently played, Natalie.

Afternoon Crumbs

Julia Roberts is in Vanity Fair and the only thing I’m thinking that she took a picture of her calico cat to her colorist and told him to give her that – Lainey Gossip

How come when Freida Pinto pulls her tank top down like that, millions of men cream their eyeballs, but when I do it my dog finds a way to bark out the word “STOP!” in English – Hollywood Tuna

Lindsay Lohan told the SNL writers that she’s down for anything and nothing is off the table, so I’m hoping that means we’ll get a skit where White Oprah is shot into the universe out of a canon – The Superficial

Like a 90s Amy Winehouse is the vibe Katy Perry’s giving me on Interview Magazine – Celebitchy

Excuse me as I shed a tear for the loss of all that delicious German beer, and yes, that waiter is in danger, girl – Towleroad

Just a peek of Salma Hayek’s world-saving chichis – Popoholic

RiRi shows us through her outfit that she sucks at choice-making – ICYDK

Here I was thinking that Dolly Parton smelled like butterfly wings, hummingbird juice, wig glue and sunshine – OMG Blog

Oh look, it’s Ke$ha’s face twin – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

They should’ve cast Trace Cyrus as the Young SJP and called it The Carrot Diaries – The Berry

Chupa Zoe’s nanny is more of a fashion icon than she is – Popsugar

I co-sign the “Is this bitch serious with that beard?” face Tom Hardy’s dog is throwing – Just Jared

That paradise wallpaper in Solange’s basement looks so lifelike – Crunk + Disorderly

I am only okay with this if ASkars is cast as the German girl – Videogum

Last night a window saved my life – The Daily What

Sean Young might not have been drunk on booze but she was definitely drunk on the crazy – I’m Not Obsessed

This needs more Statham spit – Hollywood Rag

Smack my bitch up, indeed – Cityrag

Open Post: Hosted By A First Degree Hotness Murderer

What in the hell kind of GD shit is Johnny Depp on, because looking like this is only okay if you’re a hungover colorblind 8-year-old circa 1977 or if you’ve passed out in the bushes after fucking a hooker and she stole all your clothes so you had to get new ones from a nearby Salvation Army bin. No grown ass man should be wearing jeans by OshKosh B’Gosh. Johnny isn’t fighting the hotness, he’s killing it not-so-softly. Johnny is starting to make Keef Richards look fap-able.

Johnny looks like he smells like what peen cheese tastes like. Somebody needs to give this bitch a donation. But there is hope. Johnny is wearing a medium blue hanky on his right side and that means he’s into everything but 69ing. I hope “everything” includes giving him a full body soapy handjob in the shower and following it up with a Palmolive facial. It cuts the grease.

Jessica Simpson Just Entered Her Seventh Trimester

Road work ahead, they have no idea….

So if you’re thinking about getting knocked up, just put some aspirin between your legs and forget about it, because Chestica Simpson is KNOCKED UP for all of us. My eyeballs feel swole just from looking at Jessica and she still has a few more weeks to go before her body explodes. She’s either going to give birth to a fully formed 18-year-old or Michelle Duggar’s going to kiss her record goodbye when Jess pops out an entire kindergarten class. Not even a private school class. Jess is going to birth out an entire public school class, so they’ll have to share a desk and shit.

I don’t know whether to say a prayer in front of my Saint Guadalupe candle for the bra straps holding up Jessica’s 400-gallon leche sacks or for her ankle bones who are probably going through some serious shit right now. I’ll pray for neither and drink an entire pitcher of cherry Kool-Aid instead, because I’ve suddenly got a craving for some.