If you haven’t been following the basic cable journey of pedo-enabling monster Mama June and her transformation from a chunky child-ruining demon into a skinny child-ruining demon, then you’re probably looking at that picture while thinking that another April Fools’ joke has been dropped on you. But that’s really what Mama June looks like now. The world of fine gourmet cuisine is definitely shedding several tears today, because it looks like Mama June isn’t going to make her signature dish sketti sauce anytime soon….
Besides dumb stuff like reducing your risk of heart disease and diabetes, nothing good comes out of eating healthy things. Case in point: The mutated hushpuppy we all know as Mama June had to be shuffled off to the hospital two weeks ago after she passed out in her house in Georgia. Mama June has been trying to burn off another layer of her Chalupa chins by dieting and her body apparently had the same reaction mine does when I eat broccoli that hasn’t been dipped in cheese or marannaise. It collapsed, and she’s reportedly going the Star Jones route, because dieting is dangerous for her health. I would say that Richard Simmons should come out of retirement to help Mama June, but he’s already been through too damn much.
Since TLC is basically just one long never-ending episode of Maury, one of the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo “holladay” specials will feature Mama June facing her greatest fear, which surprisingly isn’t vegetables that haven’t been deep fried in cheese oil and covered in ranch dressing. The heaves crawl up Mama June’s sketti sauce-covered froat when she thinks of MARANNAISE!
While working the hell out of her newly straightened bayootiful yallaw hayer-ah (yes, Tim Peeler would hit that while blowing his coyote horn), Mama June tells her tribe of adorable sugar-coated diabetes drops that her hate for mayonnaise was born when she was a kid because her babysitter only fed her mayo sandwiches. Mama June can easily swallow up bowls of macaroni (air kiss to Simply Sara) and coleslaw salad, but she can’t make it herself and she has a hard time looking at mayo in its raw, delicious state. Mama June’s mayo phobia is a little strange, because I’m sure if you cracked two raw eggs between her luscious triple decker chins and rubbed all her chins together, out would squirt the most delicious bacon cheddar marannaise you’ve ever tasted.
Mama June’s talk about her mayo fears then leads to Chickfila and Snickerdoodle (or whatever their names are) fighting over whether or not vegamatarians eat marannaise. They’re confusing vegans with vegamatarians, but let them argue, because the way they say mayonnaise takes me up, up and away.
And I cannot relate to Mama June’s fear of mayo. My tongue is to mayo as gnats are to the sour cream crusties on Mama June’s forklift foot. I love it. I can bathe in mayo, brush my teeth with mayo, moisturize my ass cheeks with mayo, wet my contact lenses with mayo and I can even use mayo as lube. So this is good news, because it means there’s MORE MARANNAISE FOR ME! Because if Mama June loved marannaise as much as I do, there’d be a nationwide shortage and I’d have to deliver a screeching marannaise message on YouTube.
Adam Levine has a lot of feelings about a show on TLC starring America’s sweetheart and he’s not afraid to barf them all out. According to Adam, famine, AIDS, cancer, Hitler, war, bath salts, auto-tune, the Kardashians and CROCs are all under Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on the list of the worst things that have ever happened to civilization. Honey Boo Boo is at the top of that list, because Honey Boo Boo is the worst, so says the dude who’s responsible for Moves Like Jagger.
In a quick interview with GQ (via Popwatch), Adam let out an anti-Glitzy rant and said that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is the decay of Western civilization the same way all of his ugly tattoos are the decay of his hotness. The star of the Peabody award-winning shit show The Voice went off like this:
“Seriously, Honey Boo Boo is the DECAY of Western civilization. Just because so many people watch the show doesn’t mean it’s good. So many people witness atrocities and can’t take their eyes away from them, but that doesn’t mean they’re good. That show is literally The. Worst. Thing. That’s. Ever. Happened. It’s complete fucking ignorance and the most despicable way to treat your kids. Fuck those people. You can put that in the magazine: Fuck those idiots. They’re just the worst. Sorry, I’m so sensitive to that—like, I don’t know, man, it’s upsetting. Just to clarify, I said, “FUCK THOSE PEOPLE.”
Damn. Did Glitzy shit on his last Twinkie? Did Uncle Poodle steal his parking space at Trader Joe’s (Note: That’s a serious crime)? Did Sugar Bear knock up his girlfriend? Is sketti sauce his secret family recipe and Mama June stole’d it? Did he ask Mama June if he could stick his tongue in between her luscious layer of chins and she turned him down? I’m going to assume the answer to all of those questions is: YES! Because Adam Levine sounds hurt.
Dr. Drew is used to dealing with dozed off drunks who are trying to force themselves into a long coma to get away from having words with him, but he was unable to tame Honey Boo Boo Chile. Little Debbie’s second cousin twice removed at the baked goods auction went on Dr. Drew’s show with the ten buckets of fried fun that is Mama June and she wasn’t having any of it. When Dr. Drew started asking her questions, Honey Boo Boo did what everybody should do when Dr. Drew starts asking you questions: PLAY DEAD! But eventually, Honey Boo Boo woke up and said that she hates being on TV and hates it when fans come up to her.
So let’s see, Honey Boo Boo doesn’t like interviews and hates her fans? The hillbilly Kristen Stewart has been found!
And I’m still waiting for Dr. Drew to issue a statement saying that Honey Boo Boo is obviously hooked on ludes and he’ll be happy to help her on the new season of Celebrity Rehab coming to Vh1 next Spring!
Our modern day Shirley Temple, Honey Boo Boo, is in Hollywoods to play the title role in the Anna Nicole Smith biopic for Lifetime (I WISH) and she’s making all the stops on the stroll from Extra to Jimmy Kimmel. On Kimmel last night, Honey Boo Boo and our modern day Mae West, Mama June, got into some politics talk and Honey Boo Boo finally endorsed a candidate. An entire nation held its breath, because it didn’t want to breathe in Mama June’s extra chunky neck fungus fumes. No, we all held our breath waiting to hear who won an endorsement from America’ sweet heart and she said:
So scratch Barack Obama, Mitt Romney and Roseanne’s names off the ballot and write the name “Merock Ohbamaz” this November!
But seriously, cancel tonight’s presidential knife fight and air reruns of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo instead, because this election is over now that Honey Boo Boo has spoken. Michelle Obama can order an inaugural ball wiglet from “Shhh, It’s A Wig!“, the inaugural ball chef can start making a batch of sketti sauce and Honey Boo Bo can start picking songs to sing during Michelle and Barack’s first dance. It’s done!
And on a different note, if you need to watch a pro-Ritalin PSA today, here’s Honey Boo Boo freaking out like a meth head on Tourette’s on KTLA yesterday morning:
Honey Boo Boo IS the hillbilly Little Chrissy.