A Meeting Of The Boos

Never mind that Silver Fox stalker Andy Cohen secretly took this picture while disguised as a potted plant in Anderson Cooper’s office, we should all let an extra exhale not that we know that Honey Boo Boo is always watching over Mah Boo. Nobody puts Honey Boo Boo in the corner, except for Mah Boo, because she’s kind of distracting.

via The Instagram House of Andy Cohen (Thanks, Ross)

Kris Jenner Is A Shameless Whore, Water Is Wet

Get your overstuffed ass out to pasture OLD kash kow Kim, there’s a new boo in Kris Jenner‘s life. At least, Kris would love for there to be… a new Honey Boo Boo to be more specific. Just a couple of weeks ago Kris was turning her overly manicured nose up and shame, shame, shame on you-ing at Mama June for her child whoring ways and for being “classless”. I’ll wait a minute for the laughter to subside.

Now Kris wants to manage Honey Boo Boo. Mmmmhmmm.

So Hollywood Life has the scoop on Kris’s amazing turnaround, based solely on her love for children and not at all by the realization that she’s thisclose to being ousted by some 7 year old hillbilly beauty pageant princess. And if you can’t get richer by pimping your own kids any more, why not get richer by pimping your replacement?? You have to slow clap for Kris’s dedication to whoring and her complete lack of dignity and self respect. Bitch is on her game.

At this point, Kris is just extending the hand(cuff) and Mama June hasn’t talked to her about it. Please Universe, if this meeting ever does occur, let Mama June have one of her famous gas attacks, and let her burp and fart and laugh in Kris’s begging face with a mouthful of half chewed sketti as Honey Boo Boo snaps TWO Z’s!!!! And let the cameras capture every delicious second of it. AMEN.

Honey Boo Boo Is Doing A Whole Lot Of Hollerin’ Today

Who do I need to talk to about making this picture the new Great Seal of the United States, because the image of a scooter-driving Mama June and a high heel-wearing Honey Boo Boo Chile leaving a Walmart in Alabama IS America at its most sophisticated.

America’s answer to Rousseau, Honey Boo Boo Chile, once eloquently said, “A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo!”, so she probably hasn’t stopped hollerin’ ever since TLC made it rain all over Mama June’s Pillsbury value pack of chins. TMZ says that since Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has become the greatest thing to happen to American television since Footballers Wives started airing on BBC America, the network has tripled the family’s salary. Mama June and her merry band of fart bags were making $5,000 to $7,000 an episode, but now they’re getting anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000 an episode. The stale food auction better watch out, because Mama June’s got a stack of hundreds shoved into her chin cleavage and she’s ready to buy ALL the day old cupcakes.

A source tells TMZ that money isn’t changing Mama June, because she turned down TLC when they offered to get her a bigger, better and more secure house. Mama June doesn’t want to move, because why would you leave a house that is right next door to a gas station that sells jars of cheese balls and Hot Fries all the time? That’s like a dirty slut living next to a glory hole. It’s like living at the end of a rainbow. Mama June also wants to stay, because she loves her neighborhood and loves bringing the holidays to their lives by splattering Christmas decorations all over her front yard.

The source also says that Mama June has tongue farted at offer after offer from agents who say they can make her even more money in appearances, because she doesn’t want to be away from her family.

Thanks to Pimp Mama Kris pushing her child whores on the ho stroll every chance she gets, we sometimes forget that there’s some mothers on reality TV who don’t completely whore their kids out for a fast check. Thank Jaysus for this, because my soul would fart itself into a puddle of sadness if Mama June got too fancy. I don’t ever want to see Mama June eating extra fancy Prego sauce instead of sketti sauce and I really don’t want to see her foot gnats feeding on caviar instead of her toe gunk. That would be worse than the time Roseanne won the lottery. Never change, Mama June, never change.

How Much Does Mama June And Her Beautimous Clan Of Fart Makers Make Per Episode?

American can’t resist getting deep into Mama June’s “Michelin Man meets Stay Puft” chins and so Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has become one of The Learning Channel’s biggest hits. More people watched gnats nom nom at Mama June’s Forklift Foot than watched Paul Ryan talk at the Republican National Convention. This obviously means that Mitt Romney chose the wrong running mate and he should’ve picked Mama June’s Forklift Foot instead.

Mama June, Honey Boo Boo Chile, Sugar Bear, Chickadee, Snickerdoodles, Piggypine and Liver Lips McGrowl (or whatever the hell those girls’ names are) would probably be happy if TLC paid them with a tub of cheese balls, a season pass to Hometown Buffet and a six-pack of stale cupcakes bought at a food auction, but TLC pays them with money. The Hollywood Reporter says that the entire family makes around $4,000 an episode and that means they make $40,000 for a full season of 10 episodes. But wait, Mama June tells TMZ that The Hollywood Reporter is wrong, because TLC has stuffed a lot more than $40,000 into her chin cleavage. Mama June wouldn’t say how much the family gets paid to fart and scratch at their neck fungus, but she says it’s a whole lot more than $4,000 per episode.

$40,000 does buy a lot of baby formula (aka Mountain Dew), but when this mess gets renewed, and it will get renewed, I’m sure they’ll make a million more coins. Mama June’s Forklift Foot deserves to get paid more than scale! So next season, expect to see them riding around on Cadillac four wheelers, eating Cheetos instead of Sam’s Choice cheese balls and expect to see a coat of Chanel nail polish on Mama June’s gnarly Quasimodotoe.

(Picture via Tumblr)

FYI: Honey Boo Boo Chile’s Newborn Niece Was Born With Three Thumbs

If you’re lucky enough to be born into Georgia’s reigning redneck royal family, you will eventually have an extra something. Mama June has extra chins, Sugar Bear has an extra derp gene, a few of them have extra chromosomes and Chickadee’s 5-week-old daughter Kaitlyn has an extra thumb. That extra thumb will totally come in handy when Baby Kaitlyn will have to hitchhike out of there to get away from the mud bog fuckery.

The National Enquirer said that 33-year-old Mama June was throwing some extra shade at her first of many grandchirruns by making fun of the fact that one of Kaitlyn’s hands has four fingers and two thumbs, but the sex bomb of McIntyre tells People that she loves that baby, uninvited thumb and all. June the Hutt said, “We have embraced [the abnormality]. It makes Kaitlyn more special to us.”

The Daily Mail has pictures of little Kaitlyn’s conjoined thumbs (she’s got the Abby & Brittany of thumbs!) and they also have pictures of Mama June’s 12-year-old daughter Pumpkin dipping a pacifier into a can of Mountain Dew before sticking it in Kaitlyn’s newborn mouth.

It makes sense that The Dew is this family’s baby formula of choice since Honey Boo Boo is always high on Go-Go Juice, but still. This is the most ridiculous, irresponsible, idiotic and inhumane act of parenting I’ve ever seen. Do they know how much caffeine is in that can of sugary acid? That baby will be hollering and screaming and bothering people all day long. You’re not supposed to give sodie pop to a baby. You’re supposed to give baby a mixture of crushed Vicodin, whiskey and NyQuil so they sleep all day while you enjoy your cheese balls in peace. This family, I swear.