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Keep your dogs inside, try not to bleed when outdoors and hoist your food sack into the trees, because Khloe Kardashian will be on a rampage never seen before now that she's carrying a Knobby Jr. in her womb! Well, maybe. A source tells Page Six that even though the ASPCA has spiked the woodland creatures in Khloe's usual hunting grounds with birth control pills, her ovaries and Lamar Odom's jizz cannot be stopped.

The source says that Khloe wore a flowing gown to the People's Choice Awards last week, because she was trying to hide the evidence that she's knocked up. Another source said that the newest Kardashian's gestation period will be the main plot of Khloe's E! reality show with Lamar and that they "will be followed by the cameras through her pregnancy and as they have their first child."

You know, I'm not going to buy Big & Tall onesies for Khloe's baby until I see a foot hanging out of her sascrotch since that baby will be tall enough for the NBA by the time its 6-months-old. Actually, scratch that. Even that could be a publicity stunt produced by Kris Kardashian. I really won't believe it until I see video of Khloe eating the placenta seconds after giving birth.

Brit Brit's feets have long been the halfway house for wayward boots to go when they've been dumped on the bottom shelf in the back of the storage room at an Off Broadway Shoes to lick on dust balls. Then when a confused and drunk salesperson accidentally pulls them out to show to a customer, the boots bust out of that bitch and jump on a freight straight headed to the PROMISE LAND (aka Brit Brit's thankles). Brit Brit's feet = Xanadu for fug boots.

Got a pair of boots that make your toe nails vomit? Send 'em to Brit. We already know this, but she has taken the fug to a whole new level by putting STUDDED UGGS on her feet. Yes, they are masquerading under the name Australia Luxe boots, but shit is still STUDDED UGGS.

STUDDED UGGS has replaced activated charcoal as the most effective way to brings up the barfs in heavy doses. STUDDED UGGS is the password to get into the trailer where the Illuminati's Louisiana chapter holds their meeting. I swear, Brit Brit's "sloth on ludes" eyes are dazzled by anything with jooree on it. If you put jewel stickers on a Ke$ha album, she'd probably put that shit on her feet too.

Hopefully now that Brit Brit's new possum yodel of a song has leaked (below), the Glittery Gays of YouTube will get on this and scrub the film of STUDDED UGGS fugness from my eyes by scootin' their sparkle holes all over their mom's garage.

And here's more of Brit Brit with the Shiloh of the South, JJ, spreading the UGG evilness in Los Angeles the other day.

Latarian Milton is not happy with the present Grandma gave him for Christmas. - ImpertinentVixen

Runners-up:

KFed and Shar Jackson's son is sick of walking Britney's future weave. - Callie

When he told his girlfriend he wanted "a brown bunny", he was expecting a blond wig and a beej... she misunderstood. - Skinnymalinky

Little Bunny Foo Foo ain't no fool. Up and got himself a bodyguard once word got out in the forest what he was doing to those mice. - angel_i

via FunPic

Patricia Maisch, the 61-year-old snowy-haired woman who wrestled a magazine out of the Tucson shooter's gun after three men (including a 74-year-old retired army colonel) tackled him to the ground. Patricia, who may or may not be a member of The Memaw's Are Not The One Club, spoke to reporters outside of her home (below) in Arizona yesterday about how she pulled the magazine out of the gun while Jared Loughner tried to reload.

Leave it to a camera dude's hard nipple to temporarily snatch my attention away. I swear, there's always a hard nipple.

via Fark

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