In case you haven’t been following the most enduring love story of this generation and beyond, let me give you a quick timeline of 24-year-old Ariana Grande Latte and 24-year-old Pete Davidson’s blossoming love:
May 10, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana and the Nickelodeon Eminem named Mac Miller broke up.
May 19, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana was mumble moaning while humping on Pete Davidson from Saturday Night Live.
May 22, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana was so dickmatized by Pete and he was so coochmatized by her that they got matching tattoos.
June 1, 2018 – Their relationship had already gotten to that phase where she burped up vomit-inducing dingles of cheese like, “I thought you into my life.”
June 3, 2018 – Pete definitely got two tattoos in honor of his girlfriend of three seconds.
June 4, 2018 – Ariana and Pete joked about procreating.
June 11, 2018 – THEY’RE ENGAGED!!!!!
UsWeekly, TMZ, People, and everybody else reports that the 99 Cent store kids section version of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony got promised to be married to each other in the last week after he proposed to her. One source tells UsWeekly that even though they rushed to get engaged, they’re not rushing to get married, which means that in the time it took me to write this post, they probably already got quickie married in Vegas, got caught cheating and split up. So after I hit publish, I’m sure I’ll have to update this post with: They got divorced, and want privacy during this difficult time. Some other source tells People that they’re really in love.
“It’s a recent engagement. They’re just two people who found love quickly and make each other happy all the time. They both started talking about it this past weekend. It’s nothing they’ve been hiding.”
Well, now I can officially retire reusing those dusty and expired U-Haul lesbian jokes. The next time I want to describe a couple who moves at lightning speed, I’ll just say they’re moving as fast as AriPet.
And some of Pete’s fans got all fake concerned over him getting with Ariana while he’s got borderline personality disorder. I side-eyed at their ridiculous concerns, but maybe someone in Pete’s life should tell him to think about this. I mean, does he really want to be Frankie Grande’s brother-in-law?!!!!