ABC Confirms They Made A Pact With The Devil By Announcing “Dancing With The Stars Junior” 

ABC held its upfronts presentation (more like “upchuck presentation“) in NYC today and they announced all sorts of shit that’s got people asking, “Whyyyyyy?!” ABC confirmed that they’re dragging American Idol’s still cold body out if its grave next year. They also confirmed the Roseanne revival (the entire cast is back including Sarah Chalke who will play a different role) and they announced that they’re getting into the live musical game by doing The Little Mermaid Live this October (ABC’s offices should block Lindsay Lohan’s cell number because she’ll be burning up their phones now).

But the news that really made me cringe and also made all of the Pimp Mama Krises out there explode with glee is that ABC will air a kid version of Dancing with the Stars. ABC’s Dancing with the Stars Junior will pair child stars and the children of celebrities with junior pro dancers and they’ll do choreographed routines in front of a panel of judges. Every day we stray further from God’s light and get closer to HELL!

TVLine says that beginning in the spring of 2018, ABC will  start showing children doing the Salsa and other dances every week. Don’t let Subway Jared read that description or he’ll beg his warden to start showing ABC on the TV in his cell block’s rec room.

ABC hasn’t announced any casting for Dancing with the Children of Thirsty Has-Beens and there’s no word if the judges from Dancing with the Stars will also judge on the junior version. Knowing ABC, Abby Lee Miller will judge via Skype from her prison cell.

Yesterday was probably a shitty day for the always broke Tori Spelling. Rent-A-Center probably came to collect her living room set after she fell back on payments, but today is a new day! Now Tori can use that empty living room as a rehearsal space to teach all 500 of her kids some dance moves for their Dancing with the Stars Junior audition. Tori’s got five kids and that’s five checks right there. Yes, one of her kids is a baby, but that baby’s dancing can’t be any worse than Bristol Palin’s.

And my thoughts are with pawn shop employees. It’s bad enough telling a sort-of-famous adult that sorry, nobody wants to buy their mirror ball trophy, but imagine telling that to a crying kid who just wants to get rid of that crap?

Pic: ABC