Ryan Lochte may be a lie-telling douche, but I still wish that headline read “Ryan Lochte Dropped His Speedo.”
Ryan Lochte admitted to Matt Lauer that he “over-exaggerated” what went down in the gas station in Rio and apologized for his “immature tantics” (Side note: “Tantics” sounds like the name of a tic your body develops after doing hours of tantric sex), but that wasn’t enough for some of his sponsors to forgive him. Ryan not only lost his last brain cell from trying to form sentences during his interview with Matt Lauer, but he also lost money. Ralph Lauren, GentleLase hair removal system and Speedo have all announced that they’re fucking done professionally with Ryan Lochte.
Speedo may be in the business of covering assholes and supporting dicks, but they are not okay with Ryan Lochte’s tantics and lies. Speedo has morals! Speedo released a statement (via CNN Money) where they let everyone know that Ryan won’t be pissing on them in the pool anymore.
“While we have enjoyed a winning relationship with Ryan for over a decade and he has been an important member of the Speedo team, we cannot condone behavior that is counter to the values this brand has long stood for. We appreciate his many achievements and hope he moves forward and learns from this experience.”
Ryan responded to Speedo with this statement that he totally didn’t write:
“I am grateful for the opportunities that our partnership has afforded me over the years. I am proud of the accomplishments that we have achieved together.”
Ryan told TMZ that he plans to drink responsibly from now on (Okay, Ryan ain’t that dim, because I see him trying to get that Heineken endorsement). They also asked him if he’s going to check into rehab, and he didn’t say no or yes. Ellen DeGeneres should go ahead and warm up the seat of her redemption chair, because it looks like Ryan’s Damage Control Tour is about to begin.
The moral of this story is don’t lie to your mom! It ruins lives and costs you money! And maybe one good thing will come out of this disaster. Now that Speedo no longer has Ryan’s back (side), maybe he’ll have to start swimming naked. I know, I never said I was proud of my eyeballs’ incurable addiction to the sight of peen.