The last time we checked in on RiRi and Wheelchair Jimmy, they were grinding against each other like two horny students at the Degrassi High spring dance in both of her videos for “Work.” But as far as anyone knew, they weren’t dating. Then last week, Drake described his relationship with Rihanna in kind of more-than-friends way (at least to me) by saying they “do well as a team“, that they’re “not forcing some story on people“, and that they have a “genuine energy.” Now People is saying that – SURPRISE – they’ve been dating this whole time. We just haven’t heard about it because they’ve been dating in ~secret~.
A source says they’ve been secretly dating “for months.” I immediately pictured the source as an excited Drake twirling the cord of his princess phone around his finger while scribbling Mr. Wheelchair Rihanna in his Raptors notebook. A different source tells UsWeekly that they’re “definitely hooking up“, while another says they were spotted acting cutesy at The Nice Guy last night. According to that source, they were together the whole night with their arms around each other and looked “affectionate.” Okay, but to be honest, I’m pretty sure “affectionate” is Drake’s default setting. Meanwhile, another source tells UsWeekly that they’re “just friends.” Which would make sense, because hooking up with dudes is RiRi’s default setting.
I 100% approve this relationship happening again, if only because I really want to see what happens when Drake brings Rihanna to Toronto for a romantic hometown visit. It will be just like The Bachelor, but RiRi style. Instead of having brunch with his mother at home, they’ll all share a bag of Taco Bell while getting lap dances at the Brass Rail. And instead of taking a ride up to the top of the CN Tower and watching the sunset, they can stay on the ground and take a bunch of forced-perspective pictures that make it look like they’re smoking a giant concrete joint. Maybe if they’re lucky, it will be a foggy day and they’ll light the tower up with the red lights that make it look like it’s burning. God, could it get any more romantic?