Comedy Central finally aired their roast of Draco Malfoy’s muggle cousin from Canada Justin Bieber last night, which means we finally got to see if Martha Stewart could roast more than a Thanksgiving turkey. And roast him she did! Not only did she roast him, she stuffed a bunch of sage and breadcrumb truth up his ass and basted him in his own tears. She also took a couple swipes at the other roasters, because Martha knows a good hostess passes her shade around like a plate of exquisitely decorated sugar cookies. People has compiled a collection of Martha’s best moments.
On Kevin Hart:
“First of all, thank you, Kevin Hart. It’s really great to be here. Sitting and listening to you yell your jokes over the last hour is the hardest time I’ve ever done. As we all know, Kevin is one of the biggest stars in the business right now. When he finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget the term for that, it’s not ‘African-American rich.’ It will come to me. Justin, you know the word.”
On Shaquille O’Neal:
“I know you are all wondering why I’m here tonight. It’s because Martha Stewart changes people’s lives for the better. Like Shaq for instance, when Shaq bought his house, I was the first person he called. The house had 13 bedrooms and I helped convert eight of them into refrigerators.”
“I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house but I don’t have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out some time and finishing on some fine highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?”
On her pal Snoop Dogg:
“It’s nice to see Snoop again, one of the highest-rated episodes on my show, Martha Stewart Living, was when Snoop and I made brownies together. I’ve used his recipe ever since. As a matter of fact, I ate three of them right before they called and asked me to do this roast. Snoop, I see that you have been following my beauty regimen. You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.”
On the delinquent preteen hamster himself:
“Let’s get to the reason I’m here tonight which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I’ve been in lockup and you wouldn’t last a week, so pay attention. The first thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pin tail comb and a pack of gum. It’s so simple. I found Bubbalicious works best and it’s so much fun to say. When I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass, so I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. Shaq, I hope your mom doesn’t still hold a grudge.”
“Justin, before I go, here is my final piece of advice. You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal but she’ll have to be someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich, someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a playa in the board room and a freak in the bedroom. So Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me.”
“Call me” – HA, good one Martha; that’s probably the deepest burn that little wanker received all night. As if a stone cold gangsta like Martha Stewart would ever answer a call from a wannabe thug like Justin Bieber.
Aside from Martha, Bieber also got verbally dry fucked by Natasha Leggero, Hannibal Buress, Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy, and Pete Davidson, who took a swipe at Justin’s deadbeat daddy Jeremy. You can read a bunch of their burns here, as well as watch a video of Justin making a sad face in reaction to an abortion joke by Natasha Leggero.
But because this whole roast was, in the words of Hannibal Buress, an “extremely transparent attempt to be more likable in the public eye”, Bieber made sure to take a moment after all the jokes were done to push out a rehearsed “I Sowwy” speech to once again apologize for all the bratty shit he did last year.
But if he really wanted us to believe he was truly a changed man, shouldn’t he have gotten rid of that janky teen ‘stache? Nothing says “I am still up to no good” like a patchy upper-lip dirt strip.