It’s a dark, dark day for the Cumberbitches today. According to People, Kif Kroker’s cousin Benedict Cumberbatch made it legal with his knocked-up British girlfriend Sophie Hunter after being engaged for 3 months. A Valentine’s Day wedding? How very ‘I’m totally not an alien, I’m a legitimate human being’ of you, Benedict. Only a real human person would get married on Earth’s national love day! Even Smith Comma John is like “Too obvious, man.”
So far, not much is known about Eggs Benedict’s secret wedding, but People says they got married on the Isle of Wight at the parish church of St. Peter and St. Paul. Oooh, two saints? How fancy. Metro UK says his best man was his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman, aka Bilbo Baggins, aka Tim Canterbury from The Office, and that Keira Knightley was one of the guests. No word on whether or not there was a procession of pengwings, but I choose to believe there was.
Eddie Redmayne better watch his back, because there’s only 3 days left before Oscar voting ends, and Benedict is making things happen. He got secret married, and I bet he can get Sophie to go into secret labor next. He’s from outer space, he can do these things! Eddie, you only have 3 days to one-up Benedict; my suggestion is adopting a litter of future seeing-eye puppies or getting knocked-up yourself. I know it’s not technically possible, but do you want the Oscar or not? Make it happen!