If you ever wished someone would combine the harrowing courtroom custody battle from Kramer vs. Kramer with the over-the-top drama school theatrics of a Real Housewives reunion show and just a pinch of Michael Jackson face, then I have good news for you! Bethenny Frankel, former RHONY cast member, former talk show host, and former praying mantis (needs verification) is currently fighting with her ex-husband Jason Hoppy over the custody of their 4-year-old daughter Bryn, and Us Weekly says that Bethenny is putting on a performance worthy of a Daytime Emmy with her testimony against her ex. For your consideration...
Bethenny brings the Lifetime made-for-TV movie drama:
“Jason said to me, ‘Get ready, we are going to war. It’s over. We’re done.” He would hold Bryn, and he would say, ‘You’re finished, you’re done. I’m going to ruin you.'”
Bethenny brings the classic afternoon telenovela drama:
“He said, ‘You’re dead to me. I want nothing to do with you. You think I want to be with you on the holidays? You’re a piece of shit. You’re garbage. You have no idea what I’ve got on you.”
Bethenny brings the Disney Channel drama:
“He would say, ‘Mommy should be Ursula the witch. She’s a great witch. You be the princess, I’ll be the prince, Mommy will be the witch.”
Bethenny bring some sort of A&E’s Hoarders-themed drama:
“He would leave the house in shambles. There would be dishes everywhere. He would pee and poop and leave it in the toilets.”
I understand wanting to come for a trifling hoe in a court of law, but damn, this custody fight is getting messy. I’m not a parent, but it was my understanding that as long as you gave them clean clothes, food, hugs, snuggles, and teach them shapes and shit, you’re doing an a-ok job raising your kid. As it turns out, floating a bootycake in the toilet bowl is grounds for losing custody of your child.
And I hope the first thing the judge did after hearing Bethenny’s testimony was politely inform her that being compared to Ursula is a compliment, not an insult.