The Jonas Brothers Broke Up

Millions of 19-year-olds and 20-years-old are in the fetal position on the floor of their dorms after their inner tween exploded into a flood of tears from hearing that the Jonas Brothers (aka the Hanson of their time) are fucking done professionally. The Jonas Brothers killed and buried their tour earlier this month and now they’re killing and burying the entire group. But they’re burying it in a shallow grave, because they might want to dig up its mangled remains later on. The Jonas Brothers couldn’t even queef out one statement together. They each shat out their own break-up line to People:

“It’s over for now.” – Kevin

“It’s really hard to say ‘forever.’ We’re closing a chapter, for sure.” – Nick

“It was a unanimous decision.” – Joe

This is what I’m reading that shit as:

“I’m done with those catty bitches….until we all need a check (mousse ain’t cheap) and have to reunite for a county fair circuit tour.” – Kevin

“It’s really hard to literally say the word ‘forever’ when I’m doing 500 ab crunches every minute so my body can stay Sean Cody sexy for my new career as a shirtless Instagram model.‘ – Nick

“The fans unanimously made this decision by not buying tickets to our tour.” – Dragon Chasing Joe 

Since I’m way too old to feel emotions about this shit, I thought about how I would feel if Exposé announced that they were quitting each other forever. I’d probably empty out my checking account to buy a ticket to China, so I could do an endless wall slide of WHY?!!!!!!!!!!! against the Great Wall.