A Judge Calls Lindsay Lohan’s Lawyer An Unfit Buffoon

March 1, 2013 / Posted by:

I guess that lucky rabbit foot lost all of its magic, because Lindsay Lohan’s tiny lawyer got dragged across the court room this morning by a judge who told him in so many words that he’s way too dumb in the brains to be a lawyer. Judge James Dabney told Mark Heller that he’s totally incompetent (like client, like lawyer) and that LiLo either needs to get herself a competent California lawyer or she needs to come to court and declare that she’s okay with a dumb fuck representing her. Oh, Judge James Dabney, I think I’m in love with you.

Both Radar and TMZ say that during the hearing today, Mark Heller filed several motions including asking the court to postpone LiLo’s trial, because she’s fragile or some shit and deserves “mercy and compassion.” Judge Dabney shat on all of Mark Heller’s motions before throwing them out of court. Judge Dabney said the legal documents that Mark Heller filed were totally screwed up and read like they were written by a cracked out, half brain-dead pigeon (Side note: Did Mark Heller give LiLo a part-time job as his legal secretary?). Judge Dabney said that it’s obvious that Mark Heller knows nothing about criminal law and he shouldn’t be handling LiLo’s case. Judge Dabney continued to slap down the real life Barry Zuckerkorn by saying:

“Somebody needs to come in to assist you who has SOME experience in California law for procedure or Miss Lohan is going to have to come in here and waive her right to have attorneys who are competent in California law and procedure to go forward. [The motions filed were] lacking in conformity to California law and procedure….I am somewhat concerned that you have sufficient guidance in criminal procedure in California.”

Since LiLo turned down the prosecution’s plea deal, she’s going to trial on March 18th and who knows if Mark Heller will be there.

The press conference that Mark Heller held afterward was even more of a mess. Mark Heller is a natural born comedian and he needs to teach LiLo how to really entertain people, because he quoted Ben Affleck’s Oscar speech, said he didn’t think that the judge was calling him “incompetent” and then said that she’s not addicted to drugs or booze. Bitch delivered punchline after punchline.

I hope that LiLo does the right thing by not firing Mark Heller, because that silly legal troll is a gift to comedy. I will always trust a lawyer who carries a fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and quotes Ben Affleck.

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