The Crystal Enchantress Of The Ice Is A Husband Now!

If a bitch ain’t getting engaged (see: Retha and LeBron James), then a bitch is getting married. The dried piece of tortured horse meat that is the sanctity of marriage was kicked in its core this past weekend when that slut pig Brandi AnalGlanville married one of her douche hole friends for a day (and for fucking shits), but it also got a sprinkling of glitter on it when human unicorn horn Johnny Weir married his Russian lawyer boyfriend Victor Voronov. Somewhere, there’s a foot massager with a broken heart.

Johnny Twatted this out about his new marriage:

I’m married! @vitya_zvesda ♥

@Jillzarin Wedding in summer! But all the official stuff is done now! No more livin’ in sin!

That summer wedding is on its knees and begging to be filmed for a reality show and I’m on my knees right next to it. Johnny’s wedding is going to be a decadent display of rhinestone-encrusted EXTRAVAGANZAAAAA! Haven’t you always dreamed of seeing a groom wearing a tuxedo made entirely of gold leaf? Johnny will make that dream come true. Haven’t you always dreamed of watching flower girls dressed in swan costumes make figure eights around the two grooms standing under an altar covered in fur flowers? Johnny will make that dream come true. Haven’t you always dreamed of seeing two grooms exchange vows in Russian as an almost naked harpist plays the theme song to Doctor Zhivago? Johnny will make that dream come true.

Johnny and Victor are totally going to get married at this palace of pure elegance:

They mayke yo dreemz come thru! And you can trust them, because they lifted their hands all grand-like when they said it.

And no, Johnny’s dog is not eating your soul with its radioactive eyes. Johnny is so magical that whenever he touches a creature, its eyes turn into glowing mood rings.