As Hurricane Irene (EXCLUSIVE: whose face looks like this) fucks with the Caribbean, Hurricane Snookitina blew into Kauai yesterday, making the locals and tourists wonder why all the full booze bottles and red lipstick tubes started shaking like the emotion called “fear” is something they actually feel. Speaking of, an emotion called “h8ing jelizzy” will be felt by orange-glazed luau pigs when their souls take one good look at Xtina and wonder why that special bitch doesn’t have an apple in her mouth too. Keep hating, luau pigs! To the left! To the left! No, really, roll to the left, because that part isn’t cooked yet.
Before Xtina, Baby Max and her rent-a-bitch Matthew Rutler flew into Hawaii, her lawyers threw a threatening eye at those shirt stirrers Media Take Out for implying in so many words that her kid’s black eye was caused by her sloppy drunk bitch ways. Xtina’s rep quickly said that Baby Max has an ow under his eye from tripping over a rock while chasing squirrels. This shit makes sense, because ALL BOYS OF ALL AGES chase squirrels. (“Michael, you need to stop acting like you’d chase a squirrel even if it had a nut in its mouth.” – you)
HOW DARE MEDIA TAKE OUT! Xtina is a seasoned drunk and a wonderful mother. She knows better than to handle her child while the whiskey is taking her higher (or lower, depending on who you ask). Any seasoned drunk parent knows that in order to keep your child completely safe while you’re making mouth love with the sweet nectar, you have to tie them to their bed so they can’t get into trouble. DUH. Everything you need to know about parenting you should learn from Ginger McKenna.
But seriously, if you’re going to be a kid with a black eye, it’s best to be a kid with a black eye whose mom is Xtina. When Baby Max wakes Xtina up in the afternoon and asks her why she’s got a black eye and a bloody chin (aka runny mascara and lipstick), she can say that she got it from chasing Wild Turkey with a Grey Goose. That is the kind of mother son bonding I love to see.