Charlie Sheen: Sobriety Coach

August 20, 2011 / Posted by:

Just looking at Charlie Sheen’s face makes me want to baste my eyeballs in crack smoke, but I guess Brooke Mueller is willing to take that chance. Charlie’s ex-wife Brooke Mueller is trying to de-crackhead herself in rehab and apparently she’s doing well, so what’s the next logical step for her to take on the road to sobriety? Go to Mexico with the crackhead who tried to stab her face off, of course!

The dehydrated warlock who was mummified with strips of turtle jerky tells TMZ that Brooke is doing so well in rehab that he’s rewarding her by taking her on a trip to Mehico this weekend. One of the definitions of “not end well” in the dictionary of truth is: “crackhead leading a crackhead to Mexico…

Charlie tells TMZ that Brooke has been “busting her ass with the boys, and [she’s] more sober and healthy than I’ve ever seen her.” Charlie is making it his mission in life to get her completely cleaned up and free of crack cravings.

Brooke must still be crack damaged in the brains if she’s getting on a plane and going on a trip with a sleazy-eyed skeeze bag who always has a look in his eye like his head just birthed a bad intention. Did Brooke not learn anything from that sad Robyn Gardner story?

But I wish Brooke and Charlie were going to Thailand instead. Then they’d meet a hot Australian dude (played by Daniel Lapaine) who secretly hides a stash of heroin in their bags and they get caught by airport security on their way to Hong Kong. They’re immediately jailed for 33 years, but Charlie eventually feels bad for all the shit he’s done to Brooke so he takes the fall. Brooke is released and Charlie has to spend the rest of his days in a Thai women’s prison listening to that fucking awful Sarah McLaughlin song over and over again. That is how this should end.

What am I talking about? That would never happen. Hiding heroin from those two is like hiding fuck-ready dick from a Portlander!

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