Natalie Portman Gives Birth To The Most Perfect Human Being On Earth

June 14, 2011 / Posted by:

In the middle of a Walmart in Oklahoma, Oscar-winning actress, Ivy League graduate and savior of the animals Natalie Portman gave birth to a son she has named Americus! No, but Natalie Portman and her fiancé Benjamin Millepied are now proud parents to baby boy she birthed out today.

People usually has every little detail down to how much the baby’s brain weighs and if they made smoothies out of the placenta afterward (they didn’t), but they don’t have much this time. They don’t have the name or anything else. This is Natalie Portman we’re talking about so I’m guessing the name will be equals parts Jewish, French and pretension. Something like Y’hoshua Yves Portman-Millepied. Or maybe Woody Allen Baguette Portman-Millepied. It doesn’t matter anyway, because in the near future we’ll be calling her baby “overlord,” I’m sure.

And how long before Natalie Portman’s birthing double comes forward and says she only did about 5% of her own pushing?

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