Planet Earth Will Get Not One, But Two New Travoltas

John Travolta must have shimmied his hips and jiggled his man chichis extra hard during the Scientology fertility ritual, because Star Magazine is saying that Kelly Preston has two adorable Xenulings growing in her womb. Kelly and John already confirmed that they are expecting, but they didn’t say anything about her hatching twin boys.

A source claims that John’s sperm thetans get stage fright when they see a real-life labia, so Kelly conceived through in vitro fertilization. The source added, “They were ecstatic when they thought they were having just one baby. Now that there will be two, they can barely contain their happiness!”

Well, John and Kelly better scream for joy while they can, because the Church of Mork calls for a silent birth. That’s going to be interesting. John will have to bite onto one of Tommy Girl’s butt plugs so he doesn’t awake the theatans on his twin boys by screeching in excitement. John will freak out thinking about all the tap dance numbers he can choreograph for the three of them. I hope those boys like sequined sailor outfits.

And Suri better send the Travolta Twins a message telekinetically letting them know that John is their father, so they don’t wail in terror after seeing his face for the first time.