Ivana Trump Is Shy

Fresh off her role as a child-hating airplane goddess, Ivana Trump sashayed into the Celebrity Big Brother house last night to inject some much needed glamor into that joint. However, Ivana didn’t go into the house without the producers agreeing to a few of her conditions. Ivana demanded that a mosquito net be put around her bed, because she claims flies give her the scared shakes and they don’t back down when she call them “little fuckers.”

This is the part of the post where I joke about how flies only love Ivana’s face because it looks like a mound of butt gravy on the sidewalk that has developed a soft crust from being exposed to the winter sun.

But a source tells The Sun that Ivana’s phobia of flies has nothing to do with why she requested the mosquito net. Apparently, Ivana wants some privacy in the morning for when she needs to decorate her face with 10 pounds of paint. The source explained, “Ivana has been saying she is petrified of flies so needs the net, but we told her this is Elstree in January not the Caribbean The real reason is she wants some time in the mornings to put her make-up on before she faces the cameras.”

Jokes aside, the hard truth is that Ivana is only trying to protect the camera lenses and mortal eyes. If her natural beauty was exposed, the walls would collapse, lenses would shatter into a million pieces and retinas would singe. Ivana only wears make-up to protect the world from her organic gorgeousness. This is my explanation and I’m sticking to it, because I really don’t want Ivana yelling at me if we’re ever on the same flight.