Will Arnett And Katie Lee Might Be Doing It

When I woke up at the Hour of the UNGODLY this morning, I looked at my inbox and my pre-caffeinated brain thought one of the subjects read: “Is Will Arnett Dating Katie Lee?” The taste of breakfast chardonnay filled my mouth, because I thought it said KATHIE LEE! Nothing will flip your brain upside/down like thinking of Kathie Lee Gifford sitting on Will Arnett’s tanned face while belting out show tunes in between guzzling from a box of white wine. If Blind Items tell the truth, then Will Arnett and Amy Poehler’s marriage stumbled out of the exit door after he fell off the wagon a few times, so it wouldn’t end well if he hooked up with the walking BevMo! store that is Kathie Lee Gifford. But we can all exhale, because he’s supposedly bumping nipples with Katie Lee, not Kathie Lee.

E! News (via People) says that Will Arnett has been “cozying” up to gold digger Hall of Famer Katie Lee. 31-year-old Katie Lee divorced Billy Joel 3 years ago and 43-year-old Will Arnett has been separated from Amy Poehler since last September. E! didn’t give any other  important details about random’s favorite new couple.

I remember Katie Lee’s ass from the first season of Top Chef. She was so bland and robotic that she made the Glad family of products look like they had the personality of Richard Simmons. Going from Amy Poehler to Katie Lee is like eating a delicious extra spicy, deep fried pizza burrito every night for dinner and then switching to a dinner of Styrofoam mash and dehydrated rutabaga covered in a room-temp tap water sauce. If Will Arnett figured that what he really needs right now is to “cozy” up to someone that has the personality of a dead AA battery and vacantly glares and smiles at him, couldn’t he have gotten a broken Furby instead? Shit, did Katie Holmes turn him down?

True Love Just Jumped Off A Bridge: Will Arnett & Amy Poehler Broke Up

We all have two options:

1. Curse at Lainey at Lainey Gossip for writing a blind item that was made one of hundred percent fact.

or

2. Grab a soggy waffle and do the slow wall slide before becoming a sad puddle of misery on the floor. Because People just said this:

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are calling it quits.

The comedic stars, who wed in August 2003, are ending their marriage, a rep for both actors confirms to PEOPLE. The couple are parents to two sons – Archie, 3½, and Abel, 2.

And we have to hear it from People?! Amy and Will didn’t even knock on each one of our doors, sit us on the sofa and tell us to hug our favorite sofa pillow (you know you have one) before breaking the news to us gently and telling us that everything okay and we’ll see Will every other weekend (because NetFlix will start airing the new Arrested Development episodes early and every other weekend to help us deal with this tragic news)?

Let’s just cancel marriage altogether since it’s obviously a LIE! Jennifer Aniston had it right for so long. It’s best to stay a miserable, lonely,  dog-hoarding, dry in the pussy spinster who fills her empty heart with tequila. Because unlike love, tequila never does us wrong. (Cut to me in five minutes, opening up my kitchen cabinet to find an empty bottle of Patron. DAMMIT ALL TO COLD SHIT!)