Here’s The Trailer For Wes Anderson’s “Asteroid City” Featuring Twee Pastels Galore And A Silver Fox Tom Hanks
If you’ve got a SAG card in your wallet right now, then congratulations on the release of the trailer for your upcoming movie Asteroid City! I mean, it seems like every working actor in Hollywood has been crammed into Wes Anderson’s latest cinematic twee overload. Actually, let me correct myself. It seems like every working actor in Hollywood is in this except for Wes Anderson’s longtime muse Bill Murray. Along with Bottle Rocket, Asteroid City is the second Wes Anderson movie that Bill is not in. Bill was originally cast but dropped out before filming, and it had nothing to do with him being accused of sexual harassment on the set of Aziz Ansari’s movie (Aziz’s movie started filming nearly a year after Asteroid City finished filming.) Bill had to quit that twee bitch after he caught COVID-19, and it looks like he was replaced with one of the first famous types to catch COVID , Tom Hanks, who is giving you silver retro daddy in Asteroid City. I have a feeling that Tom Hanks has been an undercover silver fox for many years and was dyeing his hair. I’m sure his mop instantly turned totally grey the first time he Googled his son Chet Haze.
As Chris Christie dealt with gay marriage going live in New Jersey at 12:01 this morning by rage eating a rolled-up extra large Domino’s Philly Cheese Steak Pizza filled with a half-dozen Awesome Blossoms while lying naked in a giant human-sized sourdough bowl full of Betty Crocker coconut pecan frosting, America’s first gay family tried to win at Halloween again.
Every year, Neil Patrick Harris, his betrothed David Burtka and their twins, Harper and Gideon, dress up as a theme for Halloween and this year they all went as characters from Alice in Wonderland. NPH Instagrammed this picture of his family Halloween’d up for a costume carnival at their kids’ preschool on Saturday.
Ice cold bitterness runs through my veins and my heart is a rotten mound of ground up bitchiness, so seeing NPH and his family look like the true definition of adorable makes barf spew out of every pore on my dead soul. We get it! You’re perfect! You’re adorable! You make the sun brighter! You make the sky bluer! You make the clouds fluffier! You make bunnies bouncier! Ugh.
I kind of want to marry a gazillionaire (because that’s so easy to do), buy the mansion across from NPH’s mansion, get a couple of kids and raise them to be bitter, dead-hearted assholes like me. Every Halloween, we’ll sit on the curb in front of our house as a family and dry heave when NPH and his perfect family come out of their perfect house in their perfect costumes being all perfect and all adorable.