It Came From The Icy Lake….

Yesterday morning, Lake Michigan was filled with more shriveled-up dicks and frostbitten pussies than an orgy in an igloo when a bunch of brave bitches gladly froze their nipples off in the name of charity. The Chicago Tribune says that almost 5,000 people did the Polar Plunge into Lake Michigan in Chicago to raise money for the Special Olympics. They set a record yesterday by raising $1.5 million in just one day. Two of the people who risked pneumonia of the ass lips for charity were hot piece Taylor Kinney (no comment on his douchey back tattoo which belongs on the side of a van) and Lady Gaga who looked like Snow Miser in bad drag thanks to that frozen wig.

The Chicago Tribune said that the Special Olympics knew that Taylor, his Chicago Fire cast mates and Vince Vaughn were going to jump into that ice cold slushie, but they didn’t know that Lady CaCa was going to do it until minutes beforehand:

“She’s pure heart,” said Casey Hogan, president of Special Olympics Chicago and its fundraising arm Special Children’s Charities. “She came out for the cause — low-key, no press. It doesn’t get any better than that.”

The only reason to dip into icy waters is if it’s for charity, you’re getting paid thousands of dollars to do it, that necklace from Titanic is at the bottom or a topless Taylor Kinney grabs your hand and leads you into it. Below is video of the Polar Plunge. Keep a blow dryer nearby, because watching it may put icicles on your eyelashes.

All those people are cold, confused, wet and covered in ice…. Now they know how every baby who was pulled out of Nicole Kidman feels.

Oh, to be a paramedic in Chicago yesterday. As soon as Taylor Kinney came out of that icy lake, I’d grab his hand, push Gaga aside and tell him that his peen is in danger of catching hypothermia and I must save it by doing mouth-to-mouth while warming it up with my hands.

Pics: Getty, Splash/INF

Lady Gaga Is Going To Be A Bride

UsWeekly says that after dating for close to four years, come-to-life last-minute art school project Lady Gaga and her hot pretend fireman boyfriend Taylor Kinney are engaged. According to Times Herald-Record editor Barry Lewis, Taylor proposed to Gaga on Valentine’s Day and they celebrated their engagement by going to dinner at her father’s restaurant, Joanne Trattoria (how very subtle of you, Gaga).

Since Lady Gaga is the fame whore to end all fame whores, I assumed she’d have posted at least 13 half-naked engagement ring selfies to Instagram by now, but so far she’s only posted one, and there’s not a single tit or ass cheek in sight:

But there is a giant-ass tacky ring. What the hell kind of high school gumball machine heart-shaped promise ring foolery is this? I’m sure that diamond costs more than my face, but it sort of screams: “He went to Jared…and then realized he didn’t have enough money, so he stole something from Walmart”. It looks like a fancied-up version of the ring that came with a bottle of Hard Candy nail polish. Then again, it’s Lady Gaga, so a heart-shaped diamond is a surprisingly tasteful choice, considering it was probably a toss-up between that, or a single anal bead set in a tied-off condom filled with spider jizz and dipped in 24K gold.

I know I’m supposed to think it’s super romantic that Taylor proposed on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, but that shit is cheesy as hell. The only way it could have been any cheesier is if Taylor had tied the ring around the neck of a giant stuffed gorilla or hid it in a molten chocolate lava cake. Why do I get the feeling that somewhere in New York, a jeweler is cleaning chocolate goo out of that ring?