Jennifer Aniston, This Is Your Future

You know, I shouldn’t joke, because this is most likely going to be my future too. But instead of a crazy cat lady, I’ll be a crazy cat bunny puppy gay. I’m fine with it. Unlike humans, animals gladly leave their shit out in the open for you to deal with.

This is the trailer for a documentary on crazy cat ladies currently making the film festival rounds. It’s serious business. I like cats and kittens, but who needs 16 of them?! Besides Jeremy Piven, who wants to open up drawer to find a dozen pussies jumping out at them? Some of these hos needs to trade in a cat or two for a vibrator. When I’m a crazy cat bunny puppy gay, I hope to come back to this post and read that last sentence again so that I can take my own advice!

And we should all take these hot bitches out to a place that doesn’t reek of cat piss and tuna vomit for a really strong DRANK.

Wherefore Art Thou Pebbles?

The biggest superstar in the universe, Susan Boyle, apparently flipped her beautiful brows last night, because she wanted to see her beloved friend Pebbles. Susan was due to perform in the Britain’s Got Talent concert in Liverpool, but the producers pulled her from the line-up and ordered her to go lie down.

The Daily Mail says Susan began begging for her cat (don’t make me write the p-word) earlier in the afternoon on the balcony of her Liverpool hotel room. Don’t cry for me Pebbles the pussy (I can’t help it)!

One hotel guest said Susan was shouting, “I want my cat. I need my cat.” A rep for BGT denies Susan lost it over Pebbles and said, “She had a rest day. She was feeling tired and she decided not to perform.” This is the third performance Susan has canceled. Nobody knows if she’s going to sing in Cardiff tonight.

Pebbles is Susan’s bestest friend and confidante, so why isn’t her main pussy pal with her at all times? Those dumb whores who work for Susan should have dropped everything and delivered Pebbles to SuBo’s loving arms to ease her craziness. Even Jennifer Aniston’s dog Norman never leaves her side on set and gets the royal treatment! And Susan is a way bigger star than that bitch!

Susan Boyle Is Tired Again

The Britain’s Got Talent tour started just two days ago and Susan Boyle has already called in sick. The Daily Mail says that Susan didn’t perform in today’s matinee in Manchester and she also won’t bedazzle the audience with her glorious hummingbird yodel tonight.

The show’s rep said that Susan isn’t going back to the house of crazy, she’s just got the tireds. The spokeswhore for BGT said, “She has been advised to rest today. She has done three amazing performances but she is being advised to rest. She is really disappointed because she wants to be out there performing but she has been advised to have this rest. She sends her sincere apologies to her fans for not appearing in Manchester.”

SuBo probably went on an all-night booze and coke binge with her cat Pebbles, so she just needs a day to let the drunk ills wash off of her. Hopefully, SuBo is lying in her Snuggie, sipping on Emergen-C & whiskey and watching Golden Girls re-runs.

SuBo Freed!

Susan Boyle checked into the Priory clinic five days ago for “exhaustion.” Side note: When I told my mother about this, the first thing she said was, “Lipo and facelift.” Deadpan. Anyvaze, SuBo got enough zzzzzs and ate enough Jello, because she’s back out in the wild!

Su’s brother says that she’s completely herself again after pretty much losing it a week ago. Gerry Boyle told GMTV (via The Sun), “She’s much happier. She’s seems a lot more like herself. Things are becoming clearer for her now. She’s now beginning to believe that, ‘yes indeed, I will be a singer’.”

Even though Susan isn’t about to shave her head anytime soon, she’s still laying low. Susan is resting up in a secret place. Phew. I hope Pebbles the cat is with her, because he’s the only one who understands her. They can have a meow, so Pebbles can calm her down.

In other news, Diversity just entered an undisclosed safe house.

LEAVE SUSAN BOYLE ALOOOOONE!!!1!!!!!1!!!

The other day I made a joke that Susan Boyle was the second coming of Brit Brit.… Well, it might sort of be coming true, because the cat lady has cracked a bit. Daddy Spears, please get on the next Cheeto jet to London.

The Sun is saying that shortly after Susan Boyle placed second on Britain’s Got Talent, she kind of melted and had to be shuffled off to a private clinic so she can sleep the crazy away. Just keep the hair clippers away from her!

Apparently, Susan wasn’t in a good place before the finale. Crazy doctors were brought in to talk to her. It didn’t help, because she burst into tears backstage right after her performance. Susan was reacting to the audience booing when judge Piers Morgan said she should win. After the show, Susan went back to her hotel room where sources say she was acting strange. So strange that the police and paramedics had to be called.

A witness who saw the whole sad affair said, “When the paramedics and police arrived she agreed to go voluntarily. She didn’t make a fuss. The paramedics calmly took her out through the main lobby and into the waiting ambulance. It was all done very calmly. They didn’t want to stress or upset her. She didn’t look well – she looked lost, not all there.”

A rep for the show confirmed that Susan is in THE CLINIC (dun dun dun). They said she suffered from exhaustion and just needs a few days to rest……. in a padded room…… while wearing a straitjacket.

Susan is too precious and fragile for this ugly cruel world. She should crawl into her bed, cuddle with her cat friend and then sing herself to sleep. When she’s ready, the world will be here ready to embrace the rainbow that pours out of her mouth when she serenades us. And if she ever needs the number of a good “doctor” who can prescribe some good shit to help her deal with the fuckery, she knows where to find me.

The Cats Of The World Will Be Wailing With Sadness Tonight!

Susan Boyle, the most famous person who ever lived, came in second on Britain’s Got Talent tonight. The dance group Diversity won the top prize! That might explain why your cat just started shaking uncontrollably and tore through the screen door. England is also on high alert, because the cats of the country are going to gather in the streets and screech until every window is broken.

Susan herself seemed to take it well on the outside. She did sort of a little sexy jig. If this singing thing doesn’t work out for her she definitely could have a career in burlesque. Better yet, she should join the Pussycat Dolls! She has the moves, the looks, the sexiness, the voice and she is the reigning Queen of Cats. It makes sense. Get out your pasties out, Susan!

Even though she was very gracous about coming in second, you know she ran backstage and starting biting off heads! They had to drag her away and now she’s quietly singing “I Dreamed a Dream” in her padded room. I’m telling jokes! The lovable teddy bear went home to hug her cat. Although, you know her cat packed up its shit and quit that bitch, because it knew momma was not going to happy.

Below is Susan’s final performance. Yes, she sang that Fantine song again. Even though she did do it better this time, I was hoping she would do something else like Snoop Dogg’s Sexual Seduction or Khia’s My Neck, My Back. Something like that! But this isn’t the last of Susan Boyle! She will continue her world domination. Viva SuBo!

Thanks Jovi!