And It Starts!

The jolly cat lady with a heart made of rainbows and hummingbird juice is beginning to turn…. Or at least that’s what The Sun says anyway. Susan Boyle, the voice of this generation (don’t tell Kanye), flipped her brows twice in one day. TWICE! Apparently, the happy teddy bear knows the fuck word well and isn’t afraid to launch it at people. And this is the time where I really start loving Susan.

Yesterday at a hotel in North London, a police officer had to step in when Susan started going off at two strangers. Susan was not serenading them with a version of “I Dream a Dream.” No, she was telling them to fuck off! Susan apparently screamed, “How fucking dare you! You can’t fucking talk to me like that.” When the cop asked if there was a problem, Susan responded, “Of course there’s a fucking problem.” According to Susan, the haters were poking fun at her in the hotel lobby, so she dropped the “Oh gee” smile and destroyed them. Bitch got so mad that she probably popped her cherry again!

The second flip out courtesy of Susan came while she was watching Britain’s Got Talent in the lobby of a hotel. Susan’s biggest competition for the top prize is a 12-year-old boy named Shaheen. On Tuesday’s show, judge Piers Morgan basically got on the ground and worshiped Shaheen. Piers told Shaheen it was the greatest singing performance they had seen so far. And that’s when Susan screamed “fuck off” and stormed off!

A witness added, “She got up, did one of those strange wiggling dances that she does, and then stuck two fingers up at the TV. Then she marched off. We didn’t see her again.”

One source is saying that the pressure is way too much for Susan and it’s starting to get to her.

YES!!!! This is the Susan Boyle I was waiting to see! I love it when cute harmless old ladies get all cunty and shit! They all have it in them.

If Susan doesn’t win BGT, she’s going to go nuts! HOOD RAT STUFF! Susan is going to shave her head, flash her apple fritter, run over the paparazzi, elope in Vegas, dangle Shaheen over a balcony, get three DUIs, go to rehab and get knocked up by KFed. Susan is going to do all of this in one night. Hold your breath, brace yourself and put Daddy Spears on-call, because the second coming of Brit Brit is almost here. FINALLY!

Lily Allen Has No Love For Susan Boyle

Susan Boyle has charmed millions, but not Lily Allen. When Susan sings, Lily does not feel the warm embrace of a thousand fluffy kittens. Or maybe she really does and she’s just lying about it, because Susan gives her greeeen eyeeeees.

Over on her Twitter, Lily commented on Susan Boyle’s take on “Memory” from Britain’s Got Talent the other night. Lily wrote, “Susan Boyle is so overrated. Je suis overrated aussi.” Lily went on, “Listen, I’m allowed to have an opinion. I thought her timing was off. No control, and I don’t think she has an amazing voice. Yes, she can sing, but it’s not about talent with her is it? She seems like a lovely lady but if it’s about talent, that Shaheen kid should win.” When someone called her out for the “talent” remark, Lily responded, “I have never in my life claimed to be talented. I do work hard at writing songs and putting on entertaining concerts though.”

Uh oh. Lily has gone and done it now! Lily better sleep with a water gun under her bed, because the cats of the world will get her for dissing their QUEEN! I hope Lily likes cat piss in her vodka and hairballs in her panties.

And just for cacas, I decided to play a game I call “Mom Famous.” I called my mom to see if she knew Susan Boyle and/or Lily Allen by name. Because my mom really only knows Madonna and The Pope by name. So I asked her if she knew who Susan Boyle was. She responded, “That British lady with teddy bear hair who sings opera?” Exactly. Then I asked her if she knew Lily Allen. She responded, “That rapper on Dancing with the Stars?” Huh?! So I said, “No. That’s Lil’ Kim.” And she said, “Oh, yeah! LILY KIM. She has ugly boobs, but I like her.” LILY KIM?! That actually makes sense since Lil’ Kim does have the face of an Asian woman. Anyway, score one for The Boyle!

VIA NYDN

The Return Of Susan Boyle

Our current reigning Hot Slut of the Month, Susan Boyle, returned to the Britain’s Got Talent stage last night with freshly pruned brows and a new luscious mop on her head. Since Susan is the most famous cat lady in the world, it seemed fitting that she sang “Memory” from Cats! I’m sure that every Sunday afternoon, Susan dresses up as Grizabella using hairballs coughed off from her cat and waltzes around singing this in her home. At least, I should hope so.

At first, Susan sounds like an old car engine trying to start on an ice cold morning, but then she kicks herself in her vocal chords and out comes the dazzling hummingbird voice that everyone on the planet fell in love with. It’s no shock that Susan was voted on to the next round. Even if she ate live babies on stage, she would still make it to the finals. Susan can do no wrong and don’t you try to say otherwise! If you don’t stand or shed a single tear when Susan serenades you, a place card with your name on it will suddenly appear at the grand dining table in HELL.

And that wasn’t a strobe light at the end of her performance. That was God himself beaming through her!

Thank You, Daily Mail

Albert Finney can take off the wig, because the role of Susan Boyle in the movie version of her life is close to being snatched up by none-other-than Catherine Zeta-Jones! That’s what the Daily Mail claims anyway. They say that CZJ is trying to buy the rights to Susan’s life story. The Daily Mail could’ve made that all up just so they could create this work of high-art that belongs in the museum of non-stop laughs.

CZJ should give Michael Douglas an extra kiss on his prune lips tonight, because if it wasn’t for him this is exactly what she would look like today without all that money. This was your future, CZJ!

Who’s That Lady?

Behold! The new face of Burberry! Kate Moss who?!

Susan Boyle, the greatest singer in da world (side-eye from Celine), already had her eyebrows pruned, plucked, prodded and pricked. But now she left a salon near her home in Scotland yesterday with freshly cut, dyed and styled hair. Eeeee GADS! Now, now. Before you hang a white sheet on the wall and record yourself in front of it screaming, “LEAVE SUSAN BOYLE ALOOOOOONE,” take a look at her. She’s the same spinster cat lady who eats porridge out of old yogurt cups and dresses up her feline friend as Fred Astaire so she can dance around the room with him. She’s still the Jennifer Aniston of Scotland!

It’s not like Susan looks like fucking Megan Fox or anything. If she ever starts stuffing her lips with vegetable oil or shoves silicone-filled Hefty bags in her booby area, then you can begin eating your hair in frustration.

With her new mop, she totally looks like this sweet librarian at my old elementary school who drove a banana yellow Datsun and always mistook me for a girl. Whenever I checked out a book, she would always say “Thank you, little miss!” At the time, it was the greatest compliment I ever did hear!

Susan Boyle Lied To Us All!

Before a rainbow came blowing out of Susan Boyle’s beautiful mouth on Britain’s Got Talent a couple of weeks ago, she told the judges that she was a virgin who can’t drive. No, she told the judges she had never been kissed or went out on a real date. Well, she was just making funnies! Susan told Extra’s Terri Seymour, “It was meant as a joke…I’ve got a wicked sense of humor, you know!” THAT SLUT!

Even though Susan has revealed that she’s pretty much the town tramp, she laughed off the rumor that she’s going to lose her cherry in a fuck film, “The one where I’m willing to take my clothes off for a million dollars…Really crazy!”

Susan won’t be doing any kind of eyebrow fetish movies anytime soon, but she is considering a million other offers, “The most exciting offer so far has been a trip to Hollywood to make a film…There is talk about it…It’s only rumors right now.”

Yes, Susan! Put your harlot ass on a plane and come to America! We will be married, so you can become an American citizen and immediately be submitted as a last minute contestant on American Idol! Your magical waterfall voice will knock the 50 tons of foundation right off of Adam Lambert’s face!

VIA HuffPo