Category: Shit Shows
LeAnn Rimes And Eddie Cibrian’s Reality Show Is Happening
LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian started shopping around their own reality shit show a few months ago and somebody actually bought it and surprisingly that somebody wasn’t Animal Planet. No offense to the animals of Animal Planet. VH1 announced today that they picked up 6 episodes of Falkor And The Gold Digger (working title) and it will scoot against TV screens sometime during the Fall 2013/Winter 2014. The producers of Duck Dynasty are producing The Squints’ new show, so I can’t wait for the crossover episode when the Robertson hillbillies blow on the Duck Commander and LeAnn flies into their yard. LeAnn and Eddie said this about their newest assault on your nerves (via THR):
“We are really excited to be working together on a unique show that will give you a glimpse into who we really are or better yet who we’re really not. We’re thrilled to partner with VH1 and the Gurneys to put our spin on a project full of love, humor and music.”
This is what they MEANT to say: “We are really excited to be getting a check, because for some reason Eddie keeps spending all our money on hotel rooms, condoms, champagne and dick deodorizer. Our show won’t give you a glimpse into who we really are. It’s going to be fake as shit like our marriage! We’re thrilled that VH1 is actually giving us money and we hope the Gurneys perform a miracle and get America to actually watch our annoying asses.”
And in a TOTAL coincidence, E! said today that Brandi Glanville is getting her own spin-off show on Bravo. The spin-off will follow Brandi as she gets over the marriage that died…… in 2009. I really hope her tampon string is a regular.
The Time Al Roker Gambled And Lost In The White House
We should all be thankful and grateful that Al Roker has zero filter and will shart up every single gross detail about his life, because if he had a filter he wouldn’t have given us the story of 2013. On Dateline last night, Al Roker said that a month after his gastric bypass surgery, he was working an event at the White House when he felt the urge to let out a little butt burp. Al figured he’d just let out the simple fart and wave the evidence away as he walked the other way. But Al’s fart bubble brought a wet friend along and the next thing he knew he had a poop party in his panties. Dateline, please come up to the stage and accept your Peabody Award (more like Poopbody Award), because you’ve topped yourself with this shit:
Al: “When you’ve had a bypass and your bowels have been reconstructed, you think you’re pretty safe and I probably went off and ate something I wasn’t supposed to. And as I’m walking to the press room, [I’m thinking] well, I gotta pass a little gas here. I’m walking by myself. Who’s gonna know? Only a little something extra came out.”
Dr. Nancy: “You pooped in your pants.”
Al: “I pooped my pants. Not horribly, but enough that I knew…”
Dr. Nancy: “Which is a common side effect of the surgery…”
Al: “Exactly. And so, I was panicking, so I got to the restroom in the press room, threw out the underwear and went commando.”
Shart (in your panties) happens. Al Roker gave us a double gift, because not only do we have the image of him sneakily stuffing his sharted-up chonies in a trash can, but since Star Jones also had gastric bypass surgery, we also have the image of her dropping a surprise caca bomb in her silky drawers. Thank you, Al Roker!
Here’s A Half-Naked Zac Efron Dancing With A Skanky Nicole Kidman In The Rain
The trailer for The Paperboy (aka the movie I’m hoping is 2012’s biggest piece of trash) is finally here, and in case you already forgot what The Paperboy is about, let me remind you that’s it’s that mess of a movie where Nicole Kidman washes off of a layer of bronzer from Zac Efron’s chest by pissing on him. That’s all you need to know. There’s also a plot in there somewhere, but who gives even one shit about that when you’ve got Nicole’s coochie raining on Zac’s face and Zac getting rained on again while swishing his hips in his chonies.
A little warning before you press play. Most of the butchered accents will make you wish Nicole Kidman would piss in your ears so you don’t have to hear that crap, but let’s focus on the positive like Nicole’s white trash skank look. I know I’ve said this before, but this is the hottest the Australian ice cube has ever looked. She looks like a hybrid of my two favorite True Blood characters: Randi Sue the alley skank and Ginger. Nicole’s hot look almost made me forget that her face is completely non-biodegradable. Watch the trailer below if you care:
Why The Hell Isn’t Jennifer Love Hewitt In This Mess?
When Fox announced that they were mashing together NBC’s The Voice and The Dating Game by airing a blind date show with celebrities in spinning chairs, I figured that they would take the definition of “celebrity” all the way and blow a star dust storm in our eyes. I’m not wrong! Last night, Entertainment Weekly posted the list of stars who sit and spin for a date on The Choice, and they really reached deep into the A-list universe for this one. And by that I mean they went on their tiptoes, reached into the A-list universe, lost their balance and fell backwards into the bottom of a barrel where they found most of their cast. When Joe Jonas is the biggest star, you know the rest of the cast is going to make the first season of The Surreal Life look like a night at the Oscars.
Here’s the full list and prepare to repeatedly say the line White Oprah says to her youngest one (aka the one who doesn’t make her any money) when he asks her for a hug: “And you are….?”
Joe Jonas – Former purity ring wearer, sometime yodeler and current blind item star
Pauly D – Jersey Shore whore and #3 on the Health Department’s Most Wanted list
Romeo – Child rapper, child actor and the trick who confuses my nipples since he sort of looks like Webster on roids
Dean Cain – Rick Perry supporter and the Superman to Teri Snatcher’s Lois
Tyson Beckford – Supermodel and one of the biggest advocates of the Bushy Pubes for Men Club
Rima Fakih – Noted drunk driver and Miss USA 2010
Carmen Electra – A flower from Prince’s garden
Sophie Monk – Australian pop something and fellow Wonky McValtrex hater
Rob Kardashian – Ugh
Rocco DiSpirito – Part-time chef, full-time reality whore
Warren Sapp – Football player
Finesse Mitchell – Comedian and former SNL cast member
Jeremy Bloom – Olympic freestyle skier
Jason Cook – Soap opera actor
Michael Catherwood – Co-host of Loveline, former DWTS contestant and the trick whose last name sounds like the medical name for getting a boner while a catheter’s up on your peen
Seth Wescott – Olympic snowboarder
Parker Young – The hot but dumb jock son of Ana Gasteyer on Suburgatory
Ndamukong Suh – Football player
Dr. Robert Nettles – Plastic surgeon
Taylor Hicks – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
The Situation – Jersey Shore whore and #1 on the Health Department’s Most Wanted list
Rob Gronkowski – Football player
Steven López – Olympic martial arts fighter
Hope Dworaczyk – Playboy Playmate of 2010
See. It’s like looking at a line-up of all your one-night stands. So many questions marks filling your head!
You know who’s missing from this, though? JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT! The Choice is something right out of her Vajazzled wet dreams. It was made for her. Was Fox afraid that there wouldn’t be any men for the other tricks, because every time one came out, JLove would tackle him and secure him with a tuxedo straitjacket before dragging him to the nearest chapel? Did legal not clear JLove, because they were afraid of all the accessory to stalking lawsuits they’d be hit with? Oh, whatever. JLove doesn’t need to be on the show to catch a man. During every taping, JLove will hide around the corner from the studio exit door with a rope in her hand. Whenever she smells a man, she’ll drop the rope and a cage will fall on him. SCORE! JLove never gets a husband, but she ALWAYS gets her man.
YAAAASSSS! Gigolos Is Coming Back
It’s been much too long since I’ve had my fix of watching totally fake man hookers have totally fake sex with totally fake clients who are really paid soft-core porn actresses, but the dry spell is over! 90s hot piece turned meth-faced crypt keeper turned TV show producer Richard Grieco made my nipples wink by announcing to TV Guide that Showtime’s Gigolos is coming back for a third season. If you know nothing about Gigolos, then the only thing you need to know that it’s a supposed reality show about Las Vegas man whores who sell their peens to women only. Just like Marky Mark’s dick in Boogie Nights, it’s fake, but it’s glorious!
Richard said that Jimmy, the hooker whore on the far left who wore a dick cage for a client last season, isn’t coming back, because he thought he was the star of that mess. Vin Armani, the Dollar Tree version of Vin Diesel next to Jimmy, is also being phased out. Richard also said that some of the peen peddlers will go gay for pay next season. John Travolta, call your agent, girl!
The only thing that matters is that my Brace the Face is back. And since it will be Gigolos’ third season, they should really amp shit up by bringing on some star power. The third season needs a simulated fuck scene between Brace the Face and Tan Mom. A match made in burn cream heaven! Speaking of burn cream, they could totally use some as pussy lube.
I’ve fapped while watching a pork rind and a piece of salmon jerky slowly shrivel into crisps inside of a microwave set to high, so watching Brace the Face and Tan Mom would send me over the edge. Make this happen, Richard Grieco!
Paging Jennifer Love Hewitt
Fox is showing NBC that they aren’t the only ones who can use NASA-created high-powered technology to make chairs turn the other way like your office chair when a Kardashian pops up on your computer screen. Fox can do that too and they’ll do it in their new dating show which is like what would plop on the sheets if The Voice and The Dating Game had really messy butt sex.
Fox’s The Choice is just like The Voice, but instead instead of the four “celebrities” looking for singing voices, they’ll be looking for possible genitals to hump on. The four celebrities will be put in swivel chairs with their backs against the stage and a bunch of “sexy singles” describe themselves. If the piece’s descriptions makes the celebrity’s ears tingle, he or she will pull a “love handle” (I can’t with that either) and find themselves face-to-face with their possible date. If more than one celebrity turns around, the trick will get to pick who they want to get with. Once each celebrity has three possible dates on their team, all teams will move to the “Speed Choice” round. In the second round, each contestant will have a few seconds to tell the celebrity why they should be picked. At the end of that round, each celebrity will get rid of one ho. In the final round, the show’s host Cat Deeley will ask each trick a question and afterward the celebrity will pick which trick they want to go on a date with. And that’s how true love is born!
Fox hasn’t released the names of the celebrities that will be on this mess, but I’m sure it will be filled with twinkling bright stars of the A-list universe. Keeping that in mind, I’ve come up with my own wish list:
White Oprah
STAINS
Maxwell Drew Johnson
The cock king of Hancock Park Norwood Young
Chicken Cutlets (Phoebe Price or an actual plate of chicken cutlets, I’m not picky)
Ceiling Eyes’ mom
Claudette Wells
That tap dancing politician who got caught trying to look for hard dick in the bathroom
Carrot Top
Tupac Hologram
Not The Baby from Dinosaurs
Stephanie Yellowhair
Martika
Gerardo
Sheree from The Real Brokewives of Neverland
Darva Conger
And last, but not least the Asian Snooki from MTV’s PG-13 rated version of Bang Bus that was NEXT!