Category: Ryan Adams
Ryan Adams Is TayTaymatized
Taylor Swift is going to need a longer butt tunnel, because Ryan Adams has somehow managed to shove himself even deeper up into her ass.
Ryan Adams is pretty much the Kanye West to Taylor Swift’s Beyonce. Most of us figured out that Ryan is a hardcore Swifty when he released a cover album of “1989.” But his obsession is worse than I thought and it’s obvious that huffing in all those plastic fumes while making Easy Bake Oven strawberry tarts with Taylor Swift messed up his head. Ryan did an interview with The Guardian where he took us inside the mind of a Swifty who thinks she’s the sun, moon and all of the stars.
Ryan Adams Was Like “Sure, Whatever” And Performed One Of Bryan Adams’ Songs During A Recent Show
After what I assume has been years and years of telling people “No, you’re thinking of the Canadian guy who sang that panty-dropping ballad from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves“, Ryan Adams – aka the Mandy Moore one – decided to acknowledge Bryan Adams by singing a cover of “Summer of ’69” at a show at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville on Tuesday night.
Ryan Adams sort of has a rough history with the Ryman Auditorium. According to Rolling Stone, hecklers at the Ryman have caused him to lose his shit on two different occasions (the first time ended with Ryan tossing a heckler out and whipping $40 at them as they left). Dude does not play when it comes to “Summer of ’69” requests. But for some reason, he gave in and sang it on Tuesday night. If I had to guess what made him change his mind, I’d say it was probably because he finally got tired of hearing his conscience whisper “Dude, don’t fight it – Bryan Adams is a fucking artiste.”
As a Canadian person, it’s my job as a good citizen to say something if I see someone committing a crime, so I’d like to report an act of dishonor. If you’re going to cover “Summer of ’69”, aka Canada’s third national anthem (the second is the sound of people trying to sing the chorus of “Informer” by Snow), then you do it right, goddamnit. What is this shit? It’s so slow. “Summer of ’69” is meant to be screamed from the inside of either a car headed to the cottage or a karaoke bar after 6 beers while wearing head-to-toe denim. Plus, at some point, one of your friends has to pretend to throw you a guitar. It’s the rules!
Mandy Moore And Ryan Adams’ Divorce Is Maybe Starting To Get Messy
When it was announced that Mandy Moore and not-Bryan Adams Ryan Adams were quitting their 6-year marriage to each other, I immediately pictured Mandy wearing a floor-length lilac chiffon gown carefully packing boxes of Ryan’s things as Ryan sits cross-legged on the floor singing “(Say so long) Don’t say goodbye” to their army of cats before he rides away on a cloud of air kisses to his new house. Basically, I assumed it was as amicable as amicable could be.
However, according to UsWeekly, I couldn’t have been more wrong and it’s starting to get dramatic. A source claims that Mandy is “totally shocked” by how Ryan handled their split, and not in the ‘wow, he’s being surprisingly mature about it’ way either. Apparently the two had discussed that Mandy would file for divorce, which made Ryan all panicky and try to work things out with Mandy, before saying fuck it, and skipping down to the court house to file the divorce papers himself.
She’s also pissed that he listed their date of separation as August 4, 2014, a date the source claims is BS and is financially motivated. Apparently Mandy and Ryan didn’t have a prenup, which we’ve all learned from Hollywood Divorces 101 means that this shit is about to get MESSY. No word on whether Ryan is afraid Mandy is going to come after his indie rock money or he’s trying to get his greasy hands on half of her A Walk to Remember cash. But regardless of when Ryan thinks they separated, the source says Mandy sort of mentally checked out a while ago:
“She had been unhappy for awhile. She tried to make things work and eventually she just had to walk away. She’s trying to keep things civil but is pretty upset about the way he’s handling this.”
I know we all sort of read that blind item from a while back about a former singer-turned-actress whose home was wrecked by some younger warbling hussy and our eyes darted quickly to Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, but what if it turns out that Ryan really was spending all his free time rubbing his hipster bits on a yodeling butterscotch ho? I know Mandy Moore wants to take the high road and whatever, but I’m sure part of her is dying to pick up a Bible and whoop a trick Hilary Faye-style.
Mandy Moore And Ryan Adams Are Calling It Quits On Their Marriage
If you ever spent a Friday night trying to learn the dance moves to “Candy” and searching classified ads for a lime green VW beetle to do them in front of (either in your youth or like, last night – I’m not here to judge your choices), then this news is going to hit you hard. UsWeekly says that after 6 years of marriage, come-to-life Disney princess Mandy Moore and not-Bryan Adams singer Ryan Adams are calling it quits. I know, cue the “I Wanna Be With You” and weep into a hipster scarf. Couples who dye their hair the same shade of Auburn Mist together are supposed to last forever, goddamnit!
Mandy’s rep (who I’m pretending is named Candy, because why the hell not) confirmed the news to UsWeekly via this very PR-sounding statement:
“Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have mutually decided to end their marriage of almost 6 years. It is a respectful, amicable parting of ways and both Mandy and Ryan are asking for media to respect their privacy at this time.”
Wait, no “It is with a heavy heart?“, aka the “Over the moon” of divorce statements? Come on Candy, you can do better than that! Give it a lil’ pizzazz. Maybe something like “It was truly a Walk To Remember, but after 6 years of marriage, these two are getting a divorce.” Sorry, I would have thrown in a joke about a Ryan Adams song, but I honestly can’t think of one. It’s not his fault – my brain is filled to capacity with remixes of “Check The O.R.“.
And I blame this on Mandy’s appearance in the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie Christmas in Conway. Hallmark movies are always breaking up marriages! Wait, that’s Lifetime movies, you say? Eh, it’s all the same.