Ryan Adams Is TayTaymatized

October 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift is going to need a longer butt tunnel, because Ryan Adams has somehow managed to shove himself even deeper up into her ass.

Ryan Adams is pretty much the Kanye West to Taylor Swift’s Beyonce. Most of us figured out that Ryan is a hardcore Swifty when he released a cover album of “1989.” But his obsession is worse than I thought and it’s obvious that huffing in all those plastic fumes while making Easy Bake Oven strawberry tarts with Taylor Swift messed up his head. Ryan did an interview with The Guardian where he took us inside the mind of a Swifty who thinks she’s the sun, moon and all of the stars.

Ryan says that he first got a taste of his drug-of-choice Taylor Swift when he listened to her song “White Horse.” As soon as he inhaled that song, it was all over and he was a full blown TayTayhead.

“The first time I heard it I got chills head to toe. I remember feeling shocked by her voice, shocked at how clean that song was. I like stuff that sort of penetrates through my regular consciousness and hits me where I’m not looking. That’s usually stuff that’s a little darker. You know, that song is really about disillusionment on such a grand scale. I just thought about how this is hitting me like a tidal wave, it’s so romantic and so beautiful, and yet so sad and so disillusioned – it’s all the stuff I love about the Smiths. That song fucked me up and I couldn’t believe it. Her voice does this thing. It just goes through all my bullshit detectors and right into my heart and soul.”

He even goes as far to say that Taylor’s lyrics are a vast ocean with no bottom and makes his lyrics look like a puddle of drool. Basically, Taylor is really, really deep. I know, Ryan’s family really needs to step in and bust a Taylorvention on his ass, because this shit is serious.

He compares the exercise of working through 1989’s songs to “being in Ghostbusters or something, and then all of a sudden I have to go do Shakespeare.” As in, his material is the goofy franchise, hers is the oeuvre of the greatest writer that ever lived. It’s possibly an overgenerous analogy. “Well, look, those songs are popular for a reason,” he says. “She’s a popular artist for a reason.”

75% of Shakespeare’s plays put me into a temporary coma and so does most of Taylor’s performances, so maybe Ryan has a point. But DAMN. This is probably the real reason why his marriage to Mandy Moore threw itself on a table at the morgue. It’s hard to be married to someone who makes you wear a wig made out of straw and calls you Taylor every time he bones you. And really, I haven’t seen someone try so hard to get into someone’s chonies since… a few days ago when I was on Grindr.

Pic: Getty

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