Why You’ll Never See The Duggars At The Beach

While some of us make it through the hot as hell days of summer by only wearing a battery powered fan necklace, an ice pack thong and some sensible flip-flop heels to really class the look up, the Duggars will gladly overheat in pleated khakis and cotton turtlenecks, thankyouverymuch. In a column for TLC’s Parentables blog (via Babble & ONTD), Michelle Duggar explains for those who don’t watch her show why you’ll never see the sinful sight of her bare thighs at the beach. The Duggars never wears shorts and never go to the beach, because if the boys see a bare lady knee, they’ll hump a bastard child into it. Bare lady knees are the true dark-sided enemy of the lord, obviously.

Here’s a few pieces from Michelle’s blog on keeping it modest for Jesus:

We were searching through scripture, and we found where God talks about a covering — what His idea of that would be. And in our heart before the Lord, we really came to a conclusion for our family about wearing modest clothes.

This isn’t for everyone, and we don’t push this on anybody. And we don’t judge anyone that doesn’t have this perspective, but for us, we felt like we needed to be covered from our neck to below our knees mainly because God talks about the thigh being uncovered, and how that’s nakedness and shame.

Michelle really is speaking the truth. I remember reading in The Bible somewhere that when God created Adam and Eve, he put a pastel button shirt and khakis on Adam and a pastel polo-shirt and long denim skirt on Eve. That’s why God put a Land’s End outlet in the Garden of Eden. Now, I won’t tell you what Adam did in the Land’s End dressing room with the store’s manager Steve. That’s a story for another Bible study class.

And so in our dress — whether we’re doing activities that require us to climb, ride a horse, bike, swim, whatever — we just want to keep the thighs and torso covered; we don’t want to play peekaboo so that there’s a visual element that might defraud someone.

For us the definition of the word defrauding is to stir up desires in someone else that cannot be righteously fulfilled. Now, granted there are a few people out there who could be stirred up by a cardboard box all the way from head to toe, but regardless we want to maintain modest dress.

Growing up I would wear a bathing suit or shorts and not realize that it was revealing. When I got older I really felt convicted about my responsibility for how I was causing others to be defrauded. And I began to cover up because I felt responsible for my part in that.

Again, the truth: Michelle is speaking it. Whenever I’m out in public and see a man’s torso playing a game of peekaboo with me under his tank top, I automatically think he wants to fuck me. Then when I find out the truth, I have to sue him for fraud and call his no-no-teasing torso to the stand. It just gets messy.

I realize that you can’t keep somebody from having wrong thoughts, but I do think you have control at least on how you present yourself. So as the older girls and guys grew up they became sensitive to their clothing choices. The girls would say, “Do you think this is too low-cut or should I put a pin here? Or what do you think about this? Is this too short?”

We really do know that this isn’t for everyone; this is just our personal conviction before our Lord. And this is what our family does. There are some families that are much more modest than we are, while others families may feel like modest dress just isn’t a conviction for them.

If I got a modest swimsuit every time Michelle used the line “We don’t judge anyone, but…” I’d have a new sexy pool outfit for every day of the year.

This is also so easy for Michelle Duggar to type. Michelle doesn’t have to expose her shameful, sin-luring knees to stay cool in the summer. When Michelle feels a sweat coming on, she just has to cool herself down by fanning herself with that wave of beauty on her forehead. Yes, those bangs are both glamorous and functional.

And Now, A Lesson On Overpopulation From Michelle Duggar

Huffing several thousand cans of White Rain hairspray has officially turned Michelle Duggar’s brain into a magical mound of WTFness that spits out hilariously random facts for our enjoyment. The mother of 19 children and counting sat down for an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (via Jezebel) and was asked her thoughts on people saying that she’s sucking up the world’s resources by turning her vagina into a popcorn popper. The dull twinkle in Michelle’s eye globes while she listened to that question is the same dull twinkle I had in my eye globes when I was rollin’ on ecstasy. And the same answer she birthed out of her mouth is the same answer I’d give if I was rollin’ on ecstasy. Michelle says that there’s not too many people in the world, because if you put all of us shoulder to shoulder, we’d fit in the city limits of Jacksonville, FL.

“Well, first off, the idea of overpopulation is not accurate because, really, the entire population of the world, if they were stood shoulder to shoulder, could fit in the city limits of Jacksonville. So if you realize that aspect of it, we realize we’re not anywhere near being overpopulated.”

I must’ve been absent the day they covered this in overpopulation class at Snapple Bottle Cap University, because I did not know this. That fact probably dropped out of Michelle’s ass when her 19th kid popped out, but if it is true, then this just confirms that there are too many people in this world! I mean, in a couple of years when most of the earth is covered in water (source: my ass) and the only land left is Jacksonville, FL, we’ll all have to stand shoulder to shoulder. Make sure you’re standing next to someone hot, because the only thing you’ll be able to do is give your neighbor a handjob and maybe nibble the hair of the ho in front of you. That’s it.

Let me put it this way, I can probably fit 10 dicks up my ass, but that doesn’t make it right. (Note to the dudes who might’ve read my Craigslist ad looking for ten dicks to shove up my ass at the same time: I didn’t mean that last part.)

Michelle then went on to say that her family does everything to keep their carbon footprint to a size 2 by buying everything used and making their own soap and shit. Michelle also thinks that her children will be the ones paying for social security since they will be upstanding citizens of the world while your children be lazy, greedy, government-sucking assholes. Oh, and apparently people from other countries are begging us Americans to pop out more kids, because their death rates are so high and we need to even shit out. And Michelle also dropped this beautiful shiny gem of wisdom:

“I agree with Mother Teresa when she said, ‘to say that there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers'”

Hmmm. That’s interesting, because I believe it was also the late great Mother Teresa who said: “PUSSY AIN’T A CLOWN CAR, BITCH!”

The globs of smegma I sneeze out during allergy season tells me that yes, there are too many flowers. That all being said, I love Michelle Duggar, because she regularly makes me give birth to 19 lols and counting. I just want to hug Michelle, but that’s mostly because I want to create a distraction for her war torn uterus to make its grand escape.

Michelle Duggar’s Advice To Wimmin Folk On How To Keep A Happy Marriage

If you’ve got an F next to “sex” on your drivers license, then you’re going to want to read all of this right after you shred that drivers license since you shouldn’t be driving, WOMAN! You should be sitting in the backseat crocheting a crown for your king husband while he drives. You also shouldn’t be reading this unless you’re reading this from your kitchen while making your king husband a meatloaf from scratch. Get in the kitchen, WOMAN!

On the season premiere of Ten Million Kids And We All Stopped Counting, human popcorn machine Michelle Duggar speaks at a conference and shares her tips on how to be a good Christian wife. Michelle handed the wives a worksheet titled “Seven Basic Needs Of A Husband” and it should really be titled “How To Be The Celie To Your Husband’s Mistah.” Michelle writes that a husband needs to feel like the Head Bitch in Charge and you can make him feel that way by depending on him financially and by always keeping your hair sexy and fresh. So far, no complaints from me! If I was a wife, I’d want to spend my morning asking my husband for money for the beauty salon and I’d want to spend my afternoon AT the beauty salon. Faith Goes Pop linked to the full worksheet, but here’s some of the highlights:

1. A husband needs a wife who respects him as a man.

How does a wife destroy her husband’s manliness?

A. By expecting him to know what protection you need
1. Physical
2. Spiritual
3. Mental
4. Emotional
Tell your husband how he can protect you.

B. By being financially independent
1. Love is killed by self-sufficiency
2. Whoever controls the money controls the leadership.
Center your work and your ministry in your home.

C. By giving greater loyalty to outside leadership
1. Pastor and church leaders
2. Men and women Bible teachers
3. Relatives and friends
Ask your husband your spiritual questions.

D. By resisting his decisions in your spirit
1. A wife’s spirit controls her husband’s ambitions
2. Reviewing past failure destroys a husband’s self-worth.
Learn to wisely appeal to your husband

E. By resisting his physical affection
1. This is the unspoken crushing of a man’s spirit.
2. A wife’s Godliness is a powerful guard against her husband’s abuse of … [cuts off]

As The Frisky points out, Michelle links all of her advice to the bible in some way. Michelle also advises that you should ask your husband to define your household responsibilities and you should always be GORGEOUS on the outside for him. Seriously, Michelle gets into the hair thing and quotes someone named I, Corinthians (who I’m guessing looks like this). Michelle writes that God gave women hair for covering and your hairstyle should show that you’re feminine, submissive and soft.

You can call Michelle Duggar a backwards pilgrim bitch all you want, but she’s on to something especially about the hair cape thing. If your hair looks like a majestic fall of golden strands cascading over your forehead, your husband will be so hypnotized by its beauty, as he takes your vagina with his leadership dick, that he won’t even notice when your tortured uterus grabs onto his peen head to makes its escape. Then when he pulls out and your uterus runs for the front door, he’ll still be too mesmerized by your hair to realize that your 300 kids are trying to catch your womb before it gets away. To quote I, Camila Alves: Hair IS important!

Presented Without Comment: Michelle Duggar’s Open Video Message To Her Miscarried Baby

Okay, okay, maybe just one comment. My hotel room has a toilet closet with a bidet in it, and I’m totally emptying the minibar into that bidet so that I can dunk my face in the booze stew to try to wash away Michelle Duggar’s creepy creepy voice from my brain. Wait and babies aren’t a responsibility? Fucking awesome! I’ll take three then. They always get you onto to the plane first.

Previously: So The Duggars Showed Photos Of Jubilee Shalom At Her Memorial Today

via Jezebel

So The Duggars Showed Photos Of Jubilee Shalom At Her Memorial Today

Sometimes you just have to sit back and type …….. and this is one of those times. Michelle Duggar recently miscarried a 5-month-old fetus she named Jubilee Shalom Duggar (that name, I know…) and the entire family held a memorial for her at their church in Arkansas today. During the memorial, they handed out professionally taken photos of Jubilee’s hand and feets with the note “There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world” printed on top. The pictures from the memorial were posted by a family member on Twitter and now they’re on TMZ. Yes, we’re still living in a world where absolutely nothing is sacred.

The pictures really aren’t that graphic and I’m sure you’ll see them when TLC airs a 2-hour special about this. I’ve seen pictures of women holding their dressed up miscarried babies while the entire family is smiling. Some might say it’s tacky as hell, some might say it’s creepy as hell, but I’ve always said that you grieve how you grieve and I’ll grieve how I grieve. And yes, I grieve by shoving my face into a sheet cake until I’m too bloated to feel emotions anymore. But the thing that really gets me is that church. That’s not a church, that’s a Las Vegas casino! I know I see Wayne Newton back there. They have fancy ass lights and LED screens and shit. It’s like if Jesus was new money. I mean, don’t have some homeless people to feed?

Michelle Duggar Suffers A Miscarriage

All fifty million members of the Duggar family traveled to NYC last month to announce that the matriarch of their child army, Michelle Duggar, was happy to be pregnant with her 20th child even though she had all kinds of health problems while carrying her 19th kid. Well, sadly, Michelle went in for a routine check-up today and her doctor was not able to find her baby’s heartbeat. Michelle and Jim Bob were then told that she suffered a miscarriage into her second trimester. Michelle gave the news to People:

“After the appointment, we came back home and told the children. We had just been talking about baby names last night and they were getting excited about naming a boy or a girl. It has been a real sad disappointment.”

I feel like my heart broke telling my children. They have all been so excited about this baby and looking forward to April coming around and having a new little one in our arms. That was the most difficult. The Lord is the giver of life and he can choose when that life is ready to go on and be with Him.”

Once the Duggar family finds out if she was having a boy or a girl, they are going to name the baby and hold a funeral service.

This is Michelle’s second miscarriage. She lost her baby during her second pregnancy because she was taking birth control pills at the time. That made Michelle swear off of birth control pills forever and leave her uterus situation up to God.