Madonna Shopped For Her Purim Costume In HBO’s Wardrobe Department

When the rest of us have to put together a costume for Halloween or Purim or whatever weird cosplay shit you do in your free time (no judgement) we go out to our nearest Savers, find the pair of pants with the least amount of questionable stains on the crotch and ass, stuff them under our coat because ain’t nobody paying monies for pants that smell like bleached-out dookie, swing by U.S. Haircuttters to ask for a pile of scrap clippings so you can make a wig, and if our costume needs wings of any kind, we stretch a trash bag over a couple of coat hangers.

But not Madonna. Madonna is a very rich and very powerful lady. When Madonna wanted to dress up as Daenerys Targaryen for Purim, she didn’t just send out her assistant to Party Depot and grab a generic “Dragon Princess” costume-in-a-bag. The Daily News says that on Wednesday night’s Tonight Show, Emilia Clarke (the actress who plays Daenerys Targaryen/Khaleesi on Game of Thrones) explained that the reason Madonna’s Purim costume was so good was because it was the real thing.

Emilia had received an email from an HBO publicist asking if she’d be willing to loan Madonna hone of her dresses from GoT, and since she can read between the lines – that Madonna doesn’t ask, she DEMANDS – she agreed and let her wear it. Good move, Emilia; it’s always better to keep Madge on your good side lest you wake up in an ice-filled bathtub with your kidneys missing and all the youth drained from your face.

So Madonna was able to wear the real dress from GoT, but had to accessorize with those cheap tacky Dollar Tree dragons? HBO couldn’t slip her a couple real ones? Or maybe they were too afraid the real dragons would be returned to them with their little faces all plumped up like a blob fish after Madonna had them injected them full of fillers to get rid of their wrinkly dragon skin (that’s it).

Jean Paul Gaultier Debuts Couture Line For Children With $1,200 Dress (AKA A New Rag To Mop Up Blue Ivy’s Spills)

“How nice; now everyone can afford Gaultier” – Suri Cruise, as she sits on a throne made of human nannies.

No longer content with making clothes for rich people, Jean Paul Gaultier has decided that it’s time he start also catering to their rich crotch droppings as well. According to the Daily Mail, JPG (which is actually a pretty hot acronym) began making clothing for kids back in 2009 under the name Junior Gaultier, but he woke up one morning and thought ‘Why charge Normals hundreds for a dress when I could charge celebrities THOUSANDS?!’

Only one piece for the collection has been released so far, and it’s this Gap Kids c.2001-looking $1,200 silk and tulle dress that will be available in sizes 4 to 14 years old. I know that a $1,200 dress for a child seems ridiculous (because it’s well-known that children are just small drunk adults who spend a great deal of time falling down and pissing themselves) but to the rich, this is VALUE. This is Jean Paul Gaultier for TARGET. This is ‘John Paul Gotye‘ at a Florida swap meet. Real rich kids like Suri Cruise or Blue Ivy Carter could buy and sell your ass six times over, so a $1,200 dress is like a roll of Bounty towels to them.

Unless they need a new painting smock or a princess costume for Halloween, they won’t be caught dead in a dress that was bought off the rack. You think Apple Martin gets her dresses from the same store as Tori Spelling’s kids? Puh-lease. Here’s how it works: If Vivienne Jolie-Pitt wants a new dress, St. Angie summons 4 men in balaclavas to kidnap you in the dead of night, brings you to an unmarked warehouse somewhere in Cameroon, hands her assistant several hundred-year-old gold bars, which they then hands to you (you don’t get to touch the veiny extremities of the chosen!) and gives you 24 hours to create a unique child’s dress that will be worn once to a toy store in Australia, then promptly burned to a pile of ash.

The only person I can think of who is desperate enough to convince us they’re high-class and bougie enough for a $1,200 baby dress is Kris Jenner. You know she’s already put in an order for North West, Kourtney’s Kid (I cannot even bother to Google her name), and herself (“I’m practically the same size I was when I was 14!”)

David Beckham Signs With Paris-Saint Germain, Proves He’s Really Rich By Donating His Salary To Charity

My wet dream of fighting David Beckham for the last bunch of bananas at a Trader Joe’s in Glendale will never come true, because he has left Los Angeles FOREVER and moved back to London with Posh, Harper the 7th and the Cruz boys. Becks got his ass a job closer to home and announced today in France that he’ll be ripping off his jersey for the fans of Paris Saint-German starting now. People says that dozens of teams from around the world promised to throw wads of money at him if he graced their fields with his nipples and he went with PSG. Becks’ 5-month contract with PSG ends on June 30th. Becks said this in a press conference this morning:

“I consider myself to be part of this club in the future – in helping this club to grow … in helping the French league to grow and also helping this club to be one of the biggest powerhouses in football.”

If you live in Paris and your dream is to fight Posh for the last macaroon at Franprix, then I need to tell you that’s a dumb dream, because Posh doesn’t go into grocery stores and she sure as hell doesn’t fight over carbs. But anyway, Posh is staying in London with the kids and Becks will commute back and forth. Becks also said that he will donate his entire salary to a children’s charity in Paris. The French media says that his contract is worth over $5 million.

What’s $5 million to Posh and Becks? If Posh shit, her shits would be worth more than $5 million. Besides, it’s smart to give it all to charity. Because once the French super tax hit his salary, he’d be left with two stale pieces of baguette and a couple of coins. Gérard Depardieu knows what I’m talking about.