Rebecca Black “Performs” On The Tonight Show

13-year-old Rebecca Black, the pop culture superstar sensation who is about to receive a restraining order from Friday, made her late-night talk show debut on Leno! Rebecca charmed Bradley Cooper, said she’s donating the profits from her single to charity and told Jay that she didn’t have to audition for Ark Music Factory. Well, Rebecca didn’t have to audition, but a personal check her mom cut did. And guess what? It passed! Thank the auto-tune gods for that, because if it didn’t we’d never get to see her perform “Fried Eggs” last night. I use the term “perform” as loosely as I use my bong.

This feels like something you might see if you walked down into the basement and caught your sister singing karaoke to an audience made up of her favorite stuffed animals. But Rebecca seems like a sweet girl and she is pretty good at mouthing lyrics into a mic. She’s ALMOST as talented as Our Lady of Cheetos. Brit Brit better hold her weave, because Rebecca is coming to snatch it right off!

Rebecca Black Might Be A Millionaire Soon

In a little over a week, the Antoine Dodson of first quarter 2011 has put Sesame Street out of business for teaching the kids about the days of the weekend and has already become a pop culture superstar bigger than Spaghetti Cat and STAINS combined. And now Forbes is saying that Rebecca Black can buy all the seats in the car, because if she isn’t already a millionaire, she’s on her way to becoming one. I’ll wait here while you pull your 13-year-old out of school so that you can tape them singing a song about breakfast (which you will write in the car).

We already know that Rebecca’s mother paid Ark Music Factory $2000 for two songs and one video. Forbes initially reported that Rebecca’s “It’s Friday and I’m in Pain” song has been downloaded 2 million times, but they corrected themselves and said that the actual number has 5 zeroes instead of 6. iTunes pays out $.70 per download, so Rebecca (or Ark) has made anywhere from $70,000 to $700,000 and counting.

Forbes added that thanks to YouTube’s revenue sharing program, Ark has pocketed around $20,000 for the video’s 30 million views.

But the question I need the answer to is: who in tween Winnie Cooper hell is downloading that song? The Happy Days theme song doesn’t even have that many downloads, and they give us ALL the days of the week! Instead of wasting your parent’s money, just shove a fried egg hot off the pan into your ear hole. It will have the same effect and won’t leave scars.

And as I gaze into my crystal meth ball, I see the headline: “WE ARE THE WORLD 2011 (for Japan) featuring Golden Voice, Rebecca Black and Antoine Dodson! Coming Soon!”

A Week Later….

It’s been one full week since an auto-tuned tween tornado destroyed the weekend, knocked the spotlight off of a certain tiger warlock and forced our ear drums to assume the fetus position and cry out for mercy. Within one week, 13-year-old Rebecca Black has received more death threats than Selena Gomez, rose to #28 on iTunes, turned Friday into the new Monday (“TGIF” is a work of sarcasm now) and was interviewed by Good Morning America. To quote Becky Black’s mom, “I could kill some people!”

In the interview, we learn that Rebecca’s mom paid the evil makers at Ark Music Factory (who operate under the name “The Illuminati Children’s Choir” in hell) $2,000 for the song and video. Thank Bea Arthur all the thousands of dollars my mom wasted on Barbizon classes didn’t result in an entire nation of people watching a video of me skipping along the catwalk (aka a row of folding tables). But I won’t exhale yet, because these things can come back to haunt you later in life (example: Royce Garrison).

Rebecca also sings the National Anthem (sadly, she does it better than Xtina did it) and summons the locusts by asking Justin Bieber to sing a duet with her.

But the saddest part is that I actually sat through a 30-second commercial to watch an interview with a clone from Planet Lea Michele. The opposite of fun-fun-fun-fun.