EV-NO-NO!

Rachael Ray is more of a Bob Hoskins than a Jessica Rabbit, but somebody lied in her ear because here she is wearing a fire sale wig made from Big Brother Rachel’s weave scraps for the Halloween episode of her show. That grown man in Roger Rabbit ears who looks like he’s about to lead us into the back of the garage to a play a not right game of “Hide the Carrot” is Rachael’s husband.

Rachael most likely chose to pour herself into sequins because SOOOO many people have told her that she sounds just like Kathleen Turner. You know she thinks that. Kathleen Turner has a raspy voice that could exfoliate a peen and moisturize it afterwards, while Rachael has a Miley Cyrus-approved growl that could castrate a peen and pour saw dust on it afterwards. Big difference.

Let’s Blame Rachael

Isaboo, Rachael Ray’s pet pit bull, might be sent to the gas chamber after she sort-of, kind-of pulled a Mike Tyson on another dog. The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that earlier this month in NYC, Isaboo ripped off another dog’s ear during a walk. The dog was rushed to the animal hospital and the vet was able to save some of its ear, but unfortunately it’s still walking around with a fucked up ear.

A source says that Rachael’s husband called the other dog’s owner and offered to pay for all the medical bills. The owner apparently agreed, but that still doesn’t change the fact that the poor pooch is going to get laughed at by all the other dogs for having an ear that looks like one of Paris Hilton’s labia lips! DAMN THAT Isaboo!

Rachael is thinking about muzzling Isaboo or getting her more training, because she’s afraid she might go after a person next. The source added, “Rachael calls Isaboo her baby,’ but after the latest dog fight, she’s living in fear that her pet will have to be put down.”

If I had to listen to Rachael’s “Miley Cyrus gargling nails” voice every single day, I’d probably go crazy in the brains and bite an ear off too. Rachael and Isaboo both need some Cesar Milan in their lives. Rachael needs to put that terrifying trucker voice to good use and become pack leader. I mean, homegirl is already built like a bull dog, so she can easily take charge!

Bitch Can’t Do It Like Martha

Martha Stewart is caviar and champagne while Rachael Ray is a plastic cup of lukewarm Faygo and a plate of saltines with a melted Kraft Single on top. That’s basically what Martha Stewart said about Rachael in a new interview with Nightline. Martha being a cunt is always a good thing.

In the interview, Martha said, “Well, to me, she professed that she could — cannot bake. She — just did a new cookbook which is just a re-edit of a lot of her old recipes. She — and that’s not good enough for me.” Martha went on to politely piss all over Rachael by saying that writing a cookbook is “a unique and lasting thing. Something that will really fulfill a need in someone’s library. Rachael is different. She is more of an entertainer … with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher, like me. That’s not what she’s professing to be.”

Translation: “Rachael Ray is a piece of trash used by a hobo to wipe his ass after a disastrous bowel movement.”

When asked what she thought about Martha’s remarks, Rachael said, “Why would it make me mad? Her skill set is far beyond mine. That’s simply the reality of it.”

Rachael may have a voice like a trucker who eats children, but even she knows not to fuck with Martha. Martha has been in prison! Bitch is gangster. Not only can she whip up a five-course meal on a radiator, but bitch can also make a shank out of a tampon applicator.

Things That Should Be Illegal: A Nude Painting Of Rachael Ray

An artiste named Alex Gardega wishes to do harm to the world by painting a 6-foot nude portrait of Rachael Ray using paprika and oils. Alex described her as “charming and sexy.” Please tell me he’s painting it with his mouth, because he’s in a straitjacket. Anybody who thinks this ho is charming and sexy needs to spend a few moons in a padded cell.

A nude of Rachael Ray is only allowed if you use the ashes of charred up souls only found on the grounds in the ninth circle of hell.

And where the fuck will you hang a nude of Rachael Ray anyway? I guess, in your bathroom. If you’ve ever got the no-poops, you can look at her paprika snatch and your butt will instantly begin barfing.

Source: Page Six

The Photoshop Awards: Rachael Ray On Modern Dog

Cue the laugh track for the obvious joke you’re thinking in that trash bag head of yours. I thought the same thing except my obvious joke had cameos by Jennifer Aniston and flyballs.

Rachael Ray’s head is on the cover of Modern Dog’s Winter issue. It looks like you could lightly blow her way and her annoying head would roll right off for Isaboo to play with. Yes, her dog’s name is fucking Isaboo. I bet Isaboo hates her for that and that’s why they had to Photoshop Rachael’s head on someone else’s body (and neck). Isaboo refused to share the cover with a truck stop, raggedy mouthed yap-beast like Rachael.

In the issue, Rachael also gives her special recipe for dog food which includes macaroni, extra virgin olive oil (I won’t say it), onions, heavy cream, cheese, squash and other crap. Click here for the recipe. My dog would love this nastiness, but I wouldn’t love it when I have to scrape his watery butt juice off the sidewalk.

VIA ONTD

Shit

File this under: the suckiest news of the day. Our holiday wish that Rachael Ray will finally be silenced is not going to come true after all. Rachael was supposed to have throat surgery this week, but that has been canceled after Satan determined that her voice is needed to continue to punish the innocent people of this world.

Rachael’s pr bitch told People, “During the course of normal pre-op care, Rachael started an intensive new vocal therapy and it is now the opinion of her doctor that surgery may not be necessary. Rachael is very grateful that it won’t be a silent Christmas and thanks everyone for their prayers and well wishes.”

Fess up! Who prayed and sent well wishes? Whoever did, is a child of Lucifer.

Methinks Rachael needs a second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth opinion. She sounds like a cigarette-smoking trucker who just deep throated a penis made out of sandpaper. There is obviously something wrong in there. I will gladly spend 20-minutes to get my medical license online, so that I can give Rachael my professional and honest opinion: her cords need to be snipped ASAP.