Programming Note: I’m Going On Vacation!

If you replaced Kate Moss’ bikini with a lime green extra tight Speedo and replaced that lit fag (I set that joke up for you) with a straw sticking out of a margarita and replaced that yacht floating off of the coast of Formentera, Spain with a plastic lounge chair, that picture would be me next week!

The VMAs are on Sunday and the Emmys are on Monday, so it’s a WONDERFUL time to go away and check into a hotel whose WiFi might be slower than Kourtney Kardashian’s speech pattern. You can always count on me to make smart decisions. I booked this trip months ago at the same time I scheduled my endoscopy thing (which happened last week) because I figured that THE SCOPE would poke out the burping hamster stuck in my chest and then I’d be able to celebrate by drinking all the tequila. THE SCOPE didn’t poke out the burping hamster stuck in my chest, but I did read on WebMD that massive amounts of tequila cures acid reflux (or is it makes it worse? I don’t remember), so I’m going to Cancun. While there, I also plan to have a commitment ceremony with THE SCOPE that throat boned me last week. We’re really in love.

Anyway, I plan to fart up crap about the VMAs on Sunday and Monday and throw up some Emmy shit on Monday night and Tuesday. Allison will be here and J. Harvey is going to help out until Labor Day, because somebody has to make a dick cheese joke. His ass will start on Sunday. My friend and the godbitch of Hot Slut of the Day, Lahoma, is also helping me out by doing a few HSOTDs. After Tuesday, I’ll be blogging here and there. I’ll be back full-time on Labor Day so make sure you have the broken crack pipes, empty wine cooler bottles and cum stains removed from the place before then. Hmmm, on second thought, leave the cum stains. They’ll blend in with the others.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

Programming Note: Brought To You By James Franco’s Barf-Colored Hair

When James Franco Instagrammed a picture of his hair looking like four bottles of Sun-In pissed all over it, I figured it was for a movie since James Franco suffers for his art. But based on his look, I guessed he was playing a creeper junkie who is obsessed with Aaron Carter and is trying to become him. I was close! James is playing a real-life mess named Michael Glatze who was a gay activist in San Francisco, but later found Jesus and “prayed away” his love of hard dick and man ass. Here he is shooting that shit on Long Island yesterday. Yup, James’ look seems about right. But, that hair color better be for the “newly straight Michael Glatze,” because I don’t know any gay dude who would walk around outside with a hair color that looks like the color of your barf after you ate a tub of orange sherbet and pasta covered in vodka sauce. (Cut to me in the 90s walking around with a hair color like that because Sun-In did me wrong.)

Anyway, this will be my last post of the day. My partner in fuckery, Allison, will take over for the rest of the day and tomorrow. For a while now, I’ve been dealing with some acid reflux shit that just won’t go away. I’ve bitched about it on here a few times. It feels like an obese burping gerbil is stuck in my chest. I’ve taken everything and have tried everything. I knew it was serious when a few weeks ago, my doctor looked me in the eye and said, “Stop drinking coffee and alcohol.” He might as well have said to me, “Do you want euthanasia via injection or should I just let you slowly shrivel and die while thinking about a summer without booze?” I don’t even know how I’m still alive! So when being on a no booze, no coffee and no other fun things diet didn’t work, my doctor ordered THE SCOPE!

So this morning, my doctor will shove a tube down my throat and I can already hear you making a “Bitch, that’s probably the most action you’ve gotten in centuries” joke in your head, so I won’t do that. There will be no more posts from me today unless I manage to get to my laptop and drool out an incoherent post in a half-sedated state about some shit you don’t care about. You know, I think I just described my job description to a T. Goodnight!

Pics: Splash

Programming Note Brought To You By ScarJo And Her Fancy French Fiancé At A Fancy English Wedding

My ass lips are frozen and I think I’ve got hypothermia of the nipples, and it’s not because I made peen popsicles and overused them again. It’s because I’m in Denver where it currently looks like scenes from Nicole Kidman’s colonoscopy. Yes, I’m in Denver to cross off “pose in front of the Denver Carrington building from the Dynasty opening credits while wearing a power blazer with shoulder pads” off of my bucket list, but I’m also in Denver for a family thing and to spend as much time as possible at the most authentic and finest gourmet Mexican eatery Casa Bonita. Casa Bonita is this refined and elegant Mexican establishment in Lakewood, CO that is known for their ~SPECTACULAR~ diving show, signature sopapillas and food that probably tastes like Del Taco threw up on a pile of Taco Bell’s shit. In other words: Delicious! South Park paid tribute to Denver’s greatest attraction in 2003. This review from Yelp sold me on the fact that I must eat all my meals at Casa Bonita while I’m here.

Quite possibly the most revolting, repugnant, repulsive food in the history of the universe.

If you must go because your kids are bothering you to take them, do so while observing the following rules:

1. Do not — UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, including abject starvation — order anything with meat in it it.

2. Eat before you go there. You have to order food in order to stay, so get the cheapest thing on the menu, then play with the food and encourage your children to do the same.

3. The sopapillas are edible. This is not to say they’re good; no one said anything about good. The people who claim the sopapillas are good only say that because they are comparing them to the rest of the offerings. Compared to the rest of the food, the fetid stench of a deceased homeless man’s intestines would be appetizing.

4. Don’t go. Just stay home, eat Taco Bell, watch replays of Olympic diving, go to the bathroom several times afterward. That will give you the authentic Casa Bonita experience.

So since I’ll be spending most of my half-vacation in Denver dining at Casa Bonita and butt barfing my insides out on the toilet, I’ll only be posting a little and CAPTION THIS is taking a break. My partner in fuckery Allison will cover most of the foolery until I thaw out my b-hole when I get back to California on Wednesday.

And now, I leave you with pictures of ScarJo giving us pregnant face, corpse makeup and busted bandage shoes from the 90s while leaving the fancy British wedding of Princess Florence Von Preussen with her fiance Romain Dauriac who looks like Josh Harnett as Mason Verger.

Pics: Splash

Programming Note & Open Post: Hosted By The Naturally Stunning Janice Dickinson

Some nasty, mean, asshole of a dog got out of its leash and came at my dog and bit him during a walk today, so I’ve been at the vet all morning, which is why I’ve barely posted anything. My dog will be fine, but I can see the twinkle of vengeance in his eyes. I’ll only be posting here and there throughout the rest of the day, because I need to spend most of my time feeding him Gatorade through a straw, giving him pep talks, building his strength up, watching Million Dollar Baby with him (I am the Frankie Dunn to his Maggie Fitzgerald) and training him for round 2 with that nasty, mean, asshole of a dog. We will win this time! We will AVENGE him! No, I’ll probably spend the rest of the day spoonfeeding him water while I snort the pain pills the vet gave him as we watch videos of “animals riding Roombas” together. (Note: Of course I’m not going to snort all of the pain pills the vet gave him. I’ll let him snort up a line here and there.)

For now, I leave you with these gorgeous pictures of Janice Dickinson taking her pulled-past-the-point-of-no-return face for a walk in Beverly Hills yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Please Welcome Dlisted’s New Interns!

Pictured: One of Dlisted’s new interns making a beef jerky and MD 20/20 run for the office this morning.

You already know that Dlisted is a first-class corporation (read: the opposite of that) that operates out of a first-class office building (read: the same room where I sleep and watch marathons of HGTV’s first ever soft-core gay porn show Cousins Undercover while eating Bisquick powder out of the box with a spoon) and now it’s even more professional thanks to my two new interns. I got a Cocosbuttload of amazing responses to my post, so I brought on two interns instead of just one.

So welcome Megan (better known to commenters as ISprainedMyUvula) and Allison. Starting today, Megan and Allison will drop in a post or three here and there in between doing behind-the-scenes important company stuff like organizing our offices’ move to Dildo Island. Don’t worry, I’ve already hazed them both by making them stare into the terrifying and hypnotizing eyes of Phoebe Price while cropping a dozen pictures of her and by searching Google for any new topless pictures of Carrot Top.

And I’ll let you decide which one of them looks exactly like Angelyne. (SPOILER ALERT: Neither of them. They wish!)

Pics: Splash

Weekend Programming Note Brought To You By Elvira

Starting this weekend and continuing for the next few weekends, I’m going to unplug the pile of dead and scorched brain cells in my head from Dlisted and hand the keys to the house over to Dlisted’s resident guest bloggers Sweetas and J. Harvey. I’ll still be spreading the foolery during the week and I may drop in on the weekends to make sure those Sweetas and J. Harvey haven’t stained the furniture (“But Michael, the furniture is already covered in jizz, cigarette burns, bottom shelf whiskey and bitter tears.” – you).

Sweetas and J. Harvey will be your weekend hosts starting tomorrow (but I’ll probably drop something in here on Sunday since The House of Versace aka the only television event in history that matters is on Saturday) and I’ll be back full-time on Monday. And for now, I leave your ass with pictures of 62-year-old Elvira at Knott’s Scary Farm in CA the other night. Elvira looks young enough to be Courtney Stodden’s broken condom baby. But then again, don’t we all?

Pics: Splash