The “Over The Moon” Watch: Kelly Preston Is Pregnant

Star Magazine is swearing that 47-year-old Kelly Preston is 3 months pregnant and the father is her husband John Travolta. Don’t look at me. I don’t know how it happened either, but I’m sure it involved Tommy Girl doing the Scientology fertility dance (aka the opening number to Xanadu) in a white feathered thong with L. Ron Hubbard’s face on the crotch while Kirstie Alley ate Oreo Cakesters in the corner. Kiristie didn’t have to be there, but she heard it was going to be catered so….

Anyway, we don’t need to know the rest of the details. We don’t need to board that spaceship. Speaking of spaceships…

The source tells Star that Kelly and John are over the you know what: “Kelly is about three months pregnant. Both she and John are absolutely over the moon — they knew in their hearts that the time was right for this to happen.”

John and Kelly probably LITERALLY went over the moon so that Xenu could high-five their asses and pass them a basket of barley water and bottles to last the baby at least 20 years. Suri Cruise will teach the Travolta baby how to pull off the “still drinking out of a bottle at the age 4″ look.

The Travoltas have had a shit couple of years with their son dying last year, and then their dog friends passing away last week, so congratulations to them if this is true. Nanu nanu.

UPDATE: It’s true. The Travolta family issued this statement of words to People:
“It’s impossible to keep a secret … especially one as wonderful as this. We want to be the first to share this great news with everyone that we are expecting a new addition to our family.
Love, John, Kelly and Ella“

The “Over The Moon” Watch

Noel Gallagher is procreating again! How a dude with Muppet hair can still get a lady (even his wife) to have sexual relations with him is still beyond me. But Noel did it! Some source close to Noel and his wife Sara McDonald tells The Sun that she found out she was knocked up with their second kid and they were on holiday in South Africa.

The friend added, “Noel and Sara are over the moon. They’re so happy that Donovan will have a little partner in crime to play with. Their family is complete.”

I know most of you would love it if Noel tried to go over the moon, miscalculated his jump and plummeted into the darkness of the universe, but I’m not so sure he actually said that. That’s not something Noel would ever say. What he probably said was, “I’m over this motherfucking oober oogly nonsense!” Over the M.O.O.N.! That sounds more like Noel.

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

The “Over The Moon” Watch

Mario Lopez puts his penis in a woman’s vagina long enough to get her pregnant, and now he’s prancing and pirouetting right over the damn moon. You know the other planets are giving him the “not this bitch too” side-eye.

A source tells Star Magazine that Mario and his girlfriend Courtney Laine Mazza are expecting a baby friend together, “Mario is over the moon with joy since finding out he’s having a baby. She’s approximately three months pregnant and is healthy and happy.”

Mario confirmed the news to his employer Extra, “Courtney and I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve waited my whole life to be a dad, this is a true blessing. I am looking forward to sharing this experience with my family and my family at Extra.”

You know, my guess is that AC Slater got into Jessie’s Spanos caffeine pills and that shit took him so high that he floated into the galaxy. I’m so NOT excited about AC being over the moon. Mario can redeem himself by naming his kid Screech, Lisa Turtle or Miss Bliss.

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

The “Over The Moon” Watch

Shayne Lamas tells UsWeekly that her 52-year-old father Lorenzo is not only engaged to his 23-year-old girlfriend, but he’s “over the moon” in love with her. Shayne needs to go back to school, because it is impossible for Lorenzo to be over the moon. When Lorenzo and the Empress of Lucite divorced, his access to the moon was taken away. Lorenzo is no longer allowed near the moon. Shayne should’ve said that he’s over the strip club neon sign. That would’ve been more fitting and accurate.

So yes, the Yanni of Santa Monica asked his girlfriend of 3-months to be his wife. She said “yes.” And get this mess, her name is Shawna Craig. SHAWNA! The “W” must stand for wannabe whore! It’s pretty obvious what Lorenzo is trying to do here. He’s trying to replicate the Beauty and the Beast romance he had with Shauna Sand. It won’t be long before Shawna tries to dye her hair angel whisper blonde to match Shauna’s. And when Shawna tries to walk in a pair of exquisite lucite heels, they will commit suicide by breaking into a million pieces. Lucite’s heart will always belong to Shauna Sand.

I mean, there’s no replacing this:

That’s like trying to recreate the Creation of Adam on a toilet in a junkyard using old markers and melted Crayons. Only Shauna Sand can blind men with her natural beauty (see the dude in the white shirt). Lorenzo needs to stop!

The “Over The Moon” Watch

Tiffani Thiessen (aka always Kelly Kapowski to me) is going to have one of those baby things with her husband Brady Smith. And guess what? Kelly is so damn happy that she busted out a massive fart of joy which skyrocketed her over Earth’s moon. I would expect that kind of talk from Screech, but not our Kelly. She issued this statement to People:

“We are over the moon! It’s something we’ve wanted for a long time and we are thrilled that it’s actually happening.”

I can forgive and forget if Kelly names her child Zack Attack Jr. But only then!

The “Over The Moon” Watch

This time it’s a two-headed cow! Really, I can’t!

People says that Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. have a brand new BABY!!! friend they named Charlotte Grace Prinze. The name is actually normal and purdy-sounding, but then they just had to go there. Oh, yes. Their rep said this: “The family is over the moon.”

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Why the hell are they taking Baby Charlotte over a giant bare ass when she just got to Earth?! You aren’t supposed to travel that soon. Read your parenting books, Sarah Michelle and Freddie!

But if you must throw your asses over the moon, I’m sure Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo will gladly watch Baby Charlotte while you’re away. They owe you for dragging you into the giant mess that was Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed.