Category: Mildred Baena

Mildred Baena Didn’t Get Paid For This

June 15, 2011 / Posted by:

Wouldn’t you think that Mildred Baena had her pick of nearly every journalist and reporter for her first interview? Mildred could’ve commanded mah boo Anderson Cooper to get topless and do the entire interview while pinching his areola as though the questions were coming from his nipple slits and the thought of record-breaking ratings would’ve forced him to do so. (I will never forgive THAT BITCH Mildred for not taking advantage of that opportunity.)

But Mildred chose to speak for the first time to the UK’s Hello! magazine. Most hos choose to give their exclusive story to Hello! magazine, because they really want to say Hello! to a six-figure check. However, Mildred resembles resents that statement and her lawyer tells TMZ that she wasn’t paid a dollar for her story. Mildred just wanted to tell the real truth about how she and Arnold tried to further positive relations between Guatemala and Austria by bareback boning each other. Here’s what her lawyer said:

“Mildred was tired of people selling their lies to the media or claiming to speak for her when they do not … She gave the interview in order to set the record straight once and for all.

All she wanted to do was put the lies and rumors to rest. And we believe that she has done that through this interview.”

Apparently, the freelance reporter who spoke to Mildred and gave the story to Hello! is friendly with her lawyer.

Up until yesterday, not many people knew what Mildred and Arnold’s son really looked like since most of the media blurred his face out. So that leads me to the question: What kind of stupido madre whores out her son’s face for free?!!!!!!?

The pain that throbbed in the hearts of fellow child pimps Kris Jenner, White Oprah and Joe Jackson after reading this hurtful news is strong enough to power a slap machine to hit Mildred in her dumb face over and over again. And she deserves it! If you’re going to kill your son’s privacy at least do it while wearing a hot outfit you bought with your blood money. A shame!

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Former Side Piece Has Love And Respect For Maria Shriver

June 14, 2011 / Posted by:

The mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s secret love child finally broke her silence and it looks like the gold bar Hello! magazine handed her was big enough to do it. The Guatemalan temptress Mildren Baena gave her first interview to Hell-o! and also served up some serious come hither pose game next to her and Arnold’s son Joseph. But before we get into the interview, is it just me or does Mildred look like Priscilla Allen meets La Bruja meets Joker Cat? Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…

Mildred always knew that her boss was Joseph’s biological father, but she kept it a secret from Arnold.

“It was as Joseph grew and I started to see the resemblance that I wondered – but It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he [Arnold] wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

When the other maids started whispering about how much Joseph looked like the Guatemalan Schwarzenegger, Maria started to raise her Detective La Toya magnifying glass and ask questions.

“I’m here if you need to talk. I sensed something was up. I have so much love and respect for Maria. Finally, she asked point blank. She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

More like Maria said, “Get off your knees, trollop! I ain’t my husband.

As for Joseph, he shrugged off the news that he’s part Schwarzenegger and said it was “cool” when his grandmother told him.

And maybe it’s just bitch’s checking account talking, but Mildred said that she hopes Maria and Arnold stay together.

“He’s a good man and I know he’s suffering too. He loves Maria. I hope with time they work things out.”

You know after reading the “love and respect” part, I’m beginning to think that Mildred and I are cut from the same dirty cum cloth. Because when I love and respect a ho, I always let her man dick drill me raw on her bed while I fold her panties which I washed. And as a dirty cum cloth brother, I have to let Mildred know that her eyebrow situation is more of a disaster than Conan the Destroyer.

Mildred Baena Really Is The Modern Day Marilyn Monroe

May 24, 2011 / Posted by:

Or is it she’s the modern day La Pequena Marilyn Monroe? I’m not sure. But Entertainment Tonight got a hold of this home movie of the mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child cooing out Happy Birthday ala Marilyn Monroe at her niece’s quince party a few years ago. This is the same quince that Arnold and Maria allegedly paid for and attended. Arnold wasn’t around when Mildred pushed this little number out (which sort of looks like she’s farting, queefing and burping at the same time in extra slow motion) or I’m she would’ve wiggled her chichis something extra.

No, seriously, this confirms what we’ve known all along: Mildred Baena is this generation’s Marilyn Monroe! I can’t wait to see Mira Sorvino, Ashley Judd, Michelle Williams, Sunny Thompson, Sophie Monk, Samantha Morton, Poppy Montgomery and Catherine Hicks play her in a movie!

Telemundo Totally Has The Plot For Their Next Novella

May 18, 2011 / Posted by:

And shit just got escandalosoier (escandalosier is a word that was born just to describe this mess). At about the same time The Sperminator’s sperm Austrian front hugged Maria Shriver’s ovary, he did the same thing to his housekeeper/side-piece Mildred Baena. Maria and Mildred were knocked up with Arnold’s baby at the same time. I’ve said this before, but this saga truly has all the ingredients for the kind of prime-time novella that would make my abuelita slap me in the mouth if I talked to her during it (the true sign of some good shit).

TMZ posted the above picture of Mildred laughing without a care in the world at her baby shower in 1997. Maria’s “care” should be that she’s carrying her boss’ baby and she’s defying the laws of Maury by telling everyone that it’s her husband’s (they have since divorced) child.

Maria gave birth to Christopher on September 27, 1997. Less than a week later, Mildred birthed out Arnold’s secret love child on October 2, 1997.

I didn’t think it was possible, but Arnold actually out-whored and out-dimwitted Tiger Woods! Hell, Arnold even out-whored my own father who previously held California’s gold medal for man whoring. Take a bow, Arnold! Imagine what those boys are thinking. They should be thinking about what really matters. Take it from me. When my mother told me I had a half-brother the same age as me, I only asked her if he was better looking than me (answer: yes) and if my dad spent more money on him (answer: yes). You know, the important questions!

This Latina Beauty Is Probably The Mother Of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Love Child

May 18, 2011 / Posted by:

There are many mysteries that take hours of time and resources to solve like the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, the ingredients of whatever Taco Bell puts in a shell and why my dog kicks his leg uncontrollably when I pet his side. (Full Disclosure: I have not solved the last one, but I am close!) One mystery that didn’t take hours to solve was finding out the identity of the woman who cooed when Arnold Schwarzenegger said to her: “I’ll be bareback!” Just hours after Arnold admitted he fathered a love child over ten years ago, Radar reported that his longtime housekeeper Mildred Baena IS LA MADRE!!!! And I am reporting that Charo is already in negotiations (in my dreams) to play 50-year-old Mildred Baena in the Telemundo Sunday afternoon movie version of this mess.

Radar’s sources say that Arnold and Mildred crotch bumped without protection (thank you, Detective DUH) all over the house and they never got caught. Mildred never stayed the night and she made sure to thoroughly clean their puddles of sex secretions. I smell a book deal (among other things) coming towards Mildred. Mildred Baena’s Guide to Scrubbing Out the Evidence That You’re Down Low Fucking You’re Boss!

During her pregnancy and for years after, Mildred never told The Sperminator that he made a baby with her. Arnold never put two and two together when he noticed that the boy could bring down an entire jungle gym by touching it with one finger. Mildred finally told Arnold about their son when the kid was a toddler. The boy is now in his teens.

Mildred’s MySpace page has more pictures of her striking hot poses like the one above as well as pictures of her son. If her son shouted “GET TO THE CHOPPAH!“, I’d definitely get to the choppah, because he looks exactly like a miniaturized Conan the Barbarian.

I’m sure bitches are already dousing Mildred with massive amounts of shit, but I won’t do it. I feel connected to Mildred. I swear that I’ve eaten Juan Pollo next to her at one of my cousin’s backyard parties. These are the same parties where the dog barks the entire time and my cousin is too cheap to rent chairs so we all have to sit on the brick planter. Mildred will whisper in my ear that the chicken is dry and then she’d go on about how she recently sponge painted her guest bathroom in various shades of lavender. It looks REALLY nice. It’s like I know her! And besides, I only have pure love for a woman who poses with all of her Christmas gifts.

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