Rebel Wilson And Melissa McCarthy Made A Fat Pact

Radar says that Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy, the team leaders of Hollywood’s Team Chunk (copyright: Fresh) division, have made a pact to stay BBWs and to not go the Jennifer Hudson route by skinny-fying themselves. Rebel and Melissa are both lifting their fingers up to Hollywood and they refuse to only eating wet iceberg lettuce at Golden Corral so they can “fit in” with Hollywood by becoming a skinny bitch. Some source says that they love being rubenesque blossoms in a garden of skinny whores and have signed their names in cinnamon roll frosting while promising to not lose the chunk.

“Rebel and Melissa have known each other for five years and there’s a lot of love there. Neither one of them is trying to lose weight and they’ve formed this little support group to keep each other from falling into the skinny Hollywood trap. Obviously, they could both snap their fingers and lose the weight because of the resources they have available to them — which could include everything from personal trainers to Lap Band surgery — but right now they’re agreeing with each other that they have to hold the line and provide a positive image for overweight girls everywhere. There will be plenty of time for dieting years from now, but Rebel and Melissa are determined to stay at their current sizes for now.”

I know, if only they made a pact to make better TV shows. And Kirstie Alley just threw a 2,000-calorie side-eye at “could both snap their fingers and lose the weight,” because she could get her head implanted on a size 0 model’s body and she’d still find her way back to fat again.

Gossip Cop says that this story is made of equal parts shit and lies and that Melissa and Rebel aren’t Fat Pact Sisters. Melissa and Rebel might not have made a fat pact, but I make a fat pact with myself every time I inhale an entire bowl of ice cream soup and peppermint Oreos while staring at the elliptical/coat rack in the corner.

Rex Reed Is Never Going To Apologize For Calling Melissa McCarthy A Female Hippo In A Movie Review

In his review of Identity Thief in the Observer, movie critic and noted cranky old cunt Rex Reed said that Melissa McCarthy is “tractor-sized,” a “female hippo” and a “humongous creep.” I think he was trying to call her a fat fuck, but I’m not too sure. Right after Rex’s review came out, several industry people, including Identity Thief’s director, shat out balls of hate at Rex for criticizing Melissa’s body in a movie review. Melissa mostly kept quiet about it until a few days ago when she told The New York Times that she feels sorry for Rex Reed:

“I felt really bad for someone who is swimming in so much hate. I just thought, that’s someone who’s in a really bad spot, and I am in such a happy spot. I laugh my head off every day with my husband and my kids who are mooning me and singing me songs.”

Singing and mooning kids? What’s one person’s heaven (see: Melissa McCarthy) is another person’s (see: me) epicenter of hell.

UsWeekly asked Rex Reed how he feels about Melissa’s reaction and as he dried off his three chins after taking a leisurely swim in a pool of chlorinated hate, he stood by his comments and basically said, “Obesity: IT WASN’T NOT FUNNY!”

“I can only repeat what I have said before — that I do not have, nor have I ever had, anything personal against people who suffer from obesity. What I object to is the disgusting attempt to pretend obesity is funny. It is not remotely humorous, and every obese comedian who ever made jokes about the disease are now dead from strokes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes.

As a critic whose opinions are constitutionally protected by law, I stand by all of my original remarks about Melissa McCarthy’s obesity, which I consider about as amusing as cancer, and apologize for nothing.”

Every fat comedian who’s made a fat joke is dead? I didn’t know Mo’Nique and Louie Anderson were ghosts!

Everybody should just leave that old bitch Rex Reed alone. You’d probably hate fat people too if a little Asian butterball brat shoved you off to a retirement home after you pretty much saved his life!  

Guess Who?

No, this is not the creature that bloomed out when someone watered one of Snooki’s bump-its with the blood of Pennywise. This is Melissa McCarthy from Mike & Molly, Glimore Girls and Bridesmaids working a pair of Down Jones eyebrows and widow’s peak lipstick as Divine in Pink Flamingos for Entertainment Weekly. This is just a whole lot of Xtravaganzaaaaa in red latex and a whole lot of YES!!!!

I really hope that whoever watches Mike & Molly sees this, Googles “Divine” and then watches all of the classic dog shit eating scene. Because the Mike & Molly audience really needs more of “Divine eating dog shit in Pink Flamingos” in their lives. That shit (literally, this time) will give them something to talk about over a meatloaf dinner.

And here’s another shot co-starring Pandora Boxx and Mimi Imfurst from RuPaul’s Drag Race:

First Angelyne and then this? The glamour trifecta must be completed, so excuse me while I refresh the photo agency websites and hope that pictures of Shauna Sand teasing Courtney Stodden’s meth weave with a neon pink comb come up. I’m knocking a piece of wood with my crossed fingers while throwing a four leaf clover over my shoulder. Or however the fuck the superstition goes.