Meg Ryan’s Still Alive, Getting A TV Series

Meg Ryan is fascinating as fuck to me. Then again, I’m curious as to how Six from Blossom is doing these days so don’t emulate me in any sort of way. Meg was on top of the world, riding high on the rom-com train, the queen of the perky career blondes who just wanted to be loved while fucking missonary-style to a Harry Connick Jr. soundtrack. And then she dropped those panties for Russell Crowe while they were filming Proof of Life. She fell in love, he had reportedly made a bet with the crew. Oh Meg. You never fuck a guy in a vanity project band. That blew a big fat Australian-man shaped hole in her wholesome image.

And then….oh sweet jesus, she went to the most morphine-addicted plastic surgeon in the bowels of Arkham Asylum who turned her into the Joker’s Desperate Older Sister.

And then she vanished! The last we saw of her, she was spending her days antiquing with John Cougar Mellencamp. We all assumed she had tapped out and was trying to supplant Sally Field as the Boniva woman. Well, Sally can slide the razor back in her purse and clean the vaseline off her mug because Meg isn’t ready to be counted out of the acting game just yet! People reports that she’s starring in and executive-producing a new series for NBC. This shit is going to be cancelled quicker than you can say “Heather Graham in Emily’s Reasons Why Not“. I don’t remember that show, either. The biggest reason why-not for Emily was that Heather Graham had one expression (“blank”) and should be used by landscapers to surround trees in a carefully manicured circle.

According to the show’s description, Ryan will play “a sunny, devoted and desperately non-confrontational” single mom who decides to return to work at her former publishing house, where she will be supervised by her 30-year-old former intern.

My DVR already told me to fuck off. “Sunny” is a good fit for the character because that smile isn’t going anywhere. Hopefully Meg avoids wakes because people must get offended when she always looks like she’s perma-chuckling over the casket.

Pics: Splash

What Is Going On Here Exactly?

Ever since the laws of medical science were defied when Benicio Del Toro’s hairy sperm fishes took a wrong turn and smashed straight into one of Kimbo Stewart’s ovaries, I’ve realized that the world has a bizarre way of showing us that anything can happen. Anything really can happen. So let’s not rule out that this image is of John Cougarless Mellencamp peeking in on the bump holding his and Meg Ryan’s unborn baby at an airport in Vancouver yesterday. Prepare yourself for a baby that will come out looking like a miniature wolf man with the face of Howard the Duck.

Sure, there’s a good chance John is doing something else to Meg Ryan’s down low area, but Sunday morning mass is still 3 days away so let’s not do that to ourselves right now.

Fag In The Mouth, Meg In The Hand

For some bizarrely strange reason unknown to everybody including me, I’ve been following Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp’s every single move as a dusty new couple, so here they are holding hands while going to the Whitney Museum and a restaurant in NYC today. My therapist would probably say this is my way of holding onto the 90s with both hands since my life was so uncomplicated back then. It’s true. The most complicated thing I had to worry about back then was how to get home from a rave after my friend’s left me staring at a bunny sticker on the bathroom wall for 4 hours right. Yes, illegal drugs were involved.

Anyway, here’s to Meg and John: 2011’s GREATEST COUPLE (not really). Well, they’re the year’s greatest couple unless Goober comes out with a peanut butter and Fluff swirl. But until then, Meg and the miniature Harry Hamlin need to bask in this shit!

John Mellencamp And Meg Ryan Are Doing It After All

Your mom freaked the hell out this weekend when she found out that the lead actress from her favorite movie after Far and Away (the movie being French Kiss) and the man who co-sings the song she loves to drunk dance to at weddings (the song being the cover of Wild Night) might be dating. Well, mom is going to pop the E&J Gallo tonight, because “might” has turned into “totally.” A source tells People that Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have been getting down for almost 7 weeks. They have taken their newly sprung love to Martha’s Vineyard and NYC.

Don’t for once think that Meg Ryan dropped a wrecking ball from her cooch and swung it into the home John shared with his wife Ellen, because the source says that he was separated before he started dating her. A different source says that it must be semi-serious since they went grocery shopping in SoHo together recently (pictures below). The source added, “She usually comes in by herself or with her daughter. I thought that was her husband because they seemed for comfortable and familiar with each other, just like an old married couple.”

Now, now, now, keep the MARRIED word to yourself, source. It’s only been seven weeks and John is probably still sad in the heart from sending his marriage to the morgue. We won’t know how serious these two are until Meg finishes chiseling the sadness off his heart with her chin.

Meg Ryan And John Mellencamp Might Be Doing It

John Mellencamp put the final break in 2010’s battered heart when he announced on Thursday that he is quitting his supermodel wife of 20 years Elaine Mellencamp. John’s spokeswhore never brought up the DIVORCE word and didn’t give a reason as to why his marriage is singing HURTS SO SAD at the top of its lungs. But Page Six brought up this picture of John looking like Frankenstein with a Billy Bob Thornton mask on while strolling around NYC last October with Meg Ryan. Page Six is whispering that maybe just maybe Meg is licking all over John’s infinitehead. Page Six had this to say:

He and Ryan, who had their biggest years in the ’80s, were photographed arm-in-arm walking in TriBeCa in late October, and she has since been spotted backstage at dates on his tour. A source told us, “Meg has been to a couple of recent shows.”

“Had their biggest years in the ’80s”? Damn, Page Six, way to turn Meg Ryan’s Joker smile into a Joker frown, and way to make John block by the sun by hanging his head in sadness. But seriously, just because John is walking with Meg doesn’t mean he’s paying a personal visit to her little pink house. Besides, Page Six should be using their resources to research more important matters! Like why won’t John return the “Cougar” to his name? Other than the entire riveting storyline of “Jack & Diane“, the “Cougar” was the best part of John’s ass. Bring back THE COUGAR!

(Image via INFDaily)